It's nearly over

Warning; this post is mostly (entirely) a rant; rhetoric spiralling into near-despair. I will try to make the next post better-possibly with another poem.

Right, tomorrow is the start of week 8 in the University calender. There are 10 weeks in the term leading up to Christmas, which means I've only got 3 weeks to go.

I'm having mixed feelings about this and many things at present. I'm getting used to Uni, the panic attacks are less frequent, but at the same time, I still have no energy/inclination to do work outside of lectures, and this is getting frustrating, because I want to do this properly, but there's another part of me that just switches off when I start work, and it's hard to do what I have to do when half your thoughts are somewhere else.

Also not helping is the fact that the only coursework I have to do this year is Electronics which involves 3 hours of lab time every Tuesday afternoon for 4 weeks, starting last Tuesday. This would not be so bad apart from the fact that I have a few problems with electronics:

1. The lecturers are boring;
2. The lecture contents are confusing;
3. The confusing contents are complemented by badly written lecture handouts and poorly presented lectures;
4. There is no incentive to try and get over such obstacles to find the heart of the subject as this too is incredibly boring and comes across as not worth the effort.

I went to the first lab, and found that as I had suspected might happen, I had no idea what I was doing. Looking for something positive I noticed that apparently almost no one else had any idea either, so at least we were all in the same, somewhat waterlogged, boat. The lecturer of course was no help; any question that was asked would be answered in the patronising and slightly annoyed tone that implies the answerer is convinced of it's obviousness and the fact that everyone who isn't a congenital idiot has done it before and should therefore be fully conversant in the details.

Needless to say, it was one of the worst 3 hours of my life, I left with no more idea than I had gone in with and feeling rather worse than a bug which has been squashed under a boot which had not long previously stepped in some fresh fox excrement. And, joy of joys, I have 3 more weeks of this to come.

This and other events this week which I cannot so specifically lay my finger on, have left me swinging wildly between feeling okay and so black that pitch shines as a beakon of lightness before being totally swallowed in the depth of my unhappiness.

Although so far I have been able to act/react pretty normally when in conversation, particularly with my parents, my sleep which has never been good is now at a stage where I can either get absolutely no sleep or my body relents and I sleep very deeply at all the wrong times and for too long. I'm also starting to feel, as I mentioned, mixed feelings with regards to the end of term: I'm happy because of the holidays and the end of the labs, and I'm looking forward to Christmas; but at the same time, I'm worried, among other things, about how my change of schedule will affect my already pretty rubbish health/sleep patterns, and how I will be able to make use of the holiday which will be my best chance to consolidate what I've done this term and actually make sure that I know all I need to know about this term's stuff before we start learning more new things next term and I have to start again. Those and other worries which I can't quite work out how to articulate are all pretty banal and irrational, but they are what they are, and I can't shake them.

Right now, I really wish I was in bed, or working, but while being to tired to concentrate on work, I'm not tired enough to sleep. So I'm doing this: hardly productive and sounding pretty pathetic, leading me to decide that I'm going to stop, give up, and go to bed anyway. At least it'll be warm in there.

This is definitely how I felt this morning

http://xkcd.com/505/

First of all, thanks all for your kind thoughts.

I saw the Doctor last week. He wasn't much help with the 'flu symptoms; he said they'd sort themselves out over time, and they did disappear for a bit, although I've got them back again now, and will probably have them on and off for the rest of the winter. What he did do was give me four prescriptions such that I'll soon be rattling like a pill box. There's my anti-depressants; some new migraine pills (So expensive he's only given me 6 and told me I'm on no account to lose them); some other pills that I'm to take for three or four days every month; and some ferrous sulphate for an Iron-deficiency, which is not anemia but something similar. Hopefully soon these will take effect, and some progress will be seen with my health.

So far I'm still feeling pretty low, however, and this is certainly not helped by the lack of internet at home. As you can see, I have access to internet at Uni (hence being able to write this), but it's not as convenient, and the worst thing is that as far as I can tell, the problem is elementary: The last time I did a 'Diagnose and Repair', it came up with a message and link telling me to connect ot the ISP. Upon clicking the link, I get a stcok page from BT saying the service has been suspended due to the bill not being paid. Apparently, the man in charge of our property says that this is an error and that of course the bill's been paid, but I have reached the point where I don't altogether believe anything he says; he appears rather useless and looks quite like a stereotypical used car salesman. I am therefore not happy.

Oh well, I suppose that things will sort themselves out. I hope to put another poem up soon to compensate to an extent for this rambling complaint, but until then, thanks again to everyone for their concern, and hopefully I'll see folks soon, and be less moany in person: Only three weeks now until I finish for Christmas.

Today I am very low; I have no internet at home and am suffering from 'flu like symptoms. I have sat half comatose through all my morning lectures and I don't anticipate being any more lively in the next one.

Hopefully my Doctor's appointment will give me some help, if I survive until 4 O'Clock, which feels like an age away.

Untitled (suggestions welcome)

Apologies in advance, there are some slightly ropey bits in this poem, although I hope that overall it get by okay.

The days last long when darkness brings not sleep.
No help from the warm drink or counted ewe.
Even resort to the bottle 'tis true,
Brings no cure. Soon one wishes to sit and weep.
Out of the window on the streets you peep:
Shrouded in slumber are all but the few;
Workers and those who stay wakeful, like you;
Knowing it will come slowly, at a creep.
And yet, we know, as with the rolling tide,
That when the future comes it all will cease
And we with joy unto our beds will fly:
Lifted up on soaring dreams to ride,
From the shackles of waking now released.
And so to the Future look you and I.

Mike, this is dedicated to you, not particularly because the content is anything I think is particularly relevant to you (although I think you know where I'm coming from), but as a thank-you: thanks for quoting me and thanks for your support with this.

It's also for all the people who found the last post a bit too geeky. Not that the people who liked the last post can't appreciate this as well or anything, in fact if you did want to be geeky about it, there are some interesting patterns here.

Beautiful Proof

Okay guys, if you're not a mathematician, bear with me. It's sad I know, but to try and convince myself that I was working earlier, I produced a lovely typed copy of the proof that the square root of two is irrational (cannot be written as a fraction). This is something that I know off by heart and really had no need to type up, but I really think it's rather elegant.If you have any interest in logical thinking/reasoning etc. (even without knowing/caring about maths itself), you will find that this does flow very logically, and is about as beautiful as this area of maths can get, I reckon. Anyway, I hope this will if nothing else give people who know my character an understanding of why I love maths so much, and even possibly get a few people a little bit excited by, or at least less hateful of, mathematics.

Assume: √2 = a/b such that a,b are two integers (whole numbers) which share no common factors.

Therefore: a = √2.b (multiplication by b)

Squaring: a² = 2b²

Because a² is a multiple of 2; a² is an even number.

[Note at this point if x is an odd integer; x² is also an odd integer:

If x is an odd integer, there exists some integer, n, such that x = 2n+1.

Therefore: x² = (2n+1)²

= (2n+1)(2n+1)

= 4n²+4n+1

Taking a factor of 2 from the n components: x² = 2(2n²+2n)+1.

If n is an integer, n² is an integer. Likewise 2n is an integer.

Therefore: 2n² is also an integer.

Therefore: 2n²+2n as a sum of integers is also an integer.

Thus: x² = 2(some integer)+1

which is equivalent to 2n+1, as n is also 'some integer'.

Thus, x² conforms with the initial condition defining odd numbers;

x² is shown also to be an odd number.]

As: a² is even, a must also be even (as an odd number squared is odd; see above).

Therefore: a = 2c (where c is some integer)

Squaring: a² = 4c²

Using (a² = 2b²):

4c² = 2b²

Therefore: 2c² = b² (dividing by 2)

Because b² is a multiple of 2; b² is an even number.

As: b² is even, b must also be even (as odd squares are odd; see above).

Therefore: a and b share at least one common factor, 2, thus contradicting the initial assumption such that a,b share no common factors.

Therefore: √2 cannot be expressed as a ratio of two factors a,b and is irrational.

QED

The Feeling

I wake up with The Feeling, like I could cry,
Only crying doesn't come easily to me.
Hysteria and panic open the flood gates,
But even then only sometimes.

The Feeling makes my head spin,
Drowning in a salty ocean,
With nowhere to go.
So It travels to my stomach.

The nausea wrenches at me,
Telling me I'll faint or puke.
But nothing happens,
Just The Feeling,

Stagnating.

A poem in recognition of National Poetry Day (Thurs 091008), addressing, in a roundabout fashion, my depression in recognition of World Mental Health Day (Fri 101008).

Apologies to any English students/lovers, it's very poorly written. I used free verse primarily because I'm lazy; I've never actually been a huge fan of it as a poetical form.

Request

Warning: Ramble alert (probably safest for those with ADHD or the like not to bother with this one)!!!

How-do folks,

It's been a tough year, and now it's going to start all over again. The new Uni term starts tomorrow, with me enrolled as an occasional student, retaking the first year (all bar two coursework-only units in which I actually did quite well: one of them being programming, yes I did well: 61%). I'm hoping that this year will progress somewhat less turbulently than last and that this time I will be able to do enough work to pass.

In two of my exams, I came close to passing and in the majority I was half-way to a pass: all of which sound quite feeble, but for the state I was in and the complete lack of any productive work I was able to do, these facts are (or should be) quite reassuring. If I can come close to a pass with virtually no useful knowledge of the subject, I should, in theory be able to do alright if I am able to put in the study hours this year.

So, I'm trying to stay positive about this, although right now, the knots in my stomach are doubling up on themselves and I am quite nervous. I guess what I have to try and remember is that this year there is comparatively little pressure. If I don't feel like I can go to lectures, I don't have to. I am hoping, that this philosphy will work for the best; knowing I don't have to go to lectures if I'm not well should hopefully take away the pressure and nervousness that causes me not to be well and therefore the knowledge of not having to go should in actual fact make it easier to go.

I'm not quite sure my Mum gets this, or even if I've explained it terribly well, but I know what I mean, and I also know that if this whole reverse psychology thing doesn't work, I can revert to the straight-forward stuff which shouldn't really leave me any worse off. Either I manage to make to the lectures and establish myself in the daily Uni routine (which will help me for next year); or I stay at home and study and go in just for the exams. Either way, although I may be slightly worse off with regards to next year, whatever happens I should at least gain enough knowledge to get me in a situation where a next year of study is possible. At this point, that's my aim.

If there is anyone out there reading this who hasn't given up and left by now; please spare a thought (just the one would be fine) for me, and wish me luck. "Finally," thinks the reader, "we see the eponymous request!" Yes it was a while coming and really turned out to be something of an anti-climax: apologies for that, and if you are still here, well done for your patience and determination to see this through to the end.


Well, that's a nice bumbling start into the new year, I guess we'll just see how it goes. Sorry for taking up web-space with meaningless ramble, I will now go and stick my head in a plastic bag or something (no, wait, that's Glous Uni not Bristol...) in order to make up to society for this worthless piece of Rhetoric.

Tchuss

Photo update

I have finally managed to start looking at the first three films taken on my new camera (Canon 500 EOS mmm yeh), and a few of them have now gone up on Flickr: criticism (constuctive only please) is always welcome.

Have in the last couple of weeks taken two more films; so there should be a fairly steady flow of uploads as an when I get round to getting them developed.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/23087670@N06/

Happy Days

At St. Mark's with my friends Mrs Fitzmaurice and Jenny: tired but content.

"And Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now"

Some days are better than others. Today is certainly not one of those days.

The Doctor, when he prescribed this new medication, did say that things would probably deteriorate quite a lot before they started to get any better, and he was definitely right. I feel rotten. My sleep is getting worse, something I didn't think could happen, and my moods are now so unpredictable that I really don't know what's going on from one minute to the next. It doesn't help of course that without Uni or anything like that, I don't have any structure which I feel obliged to follow; and please don't suggest I get a job, because the way I feel, and the way I am with new things, that just isn't an option. I wish it was, but there's no way I could handle that at present, I just couldn't.

With the short bursts of sleep that I do manage to get, I wake up feeling an even more intense sense of disappointment that the death dream didn't fullfil itself during the night. I've had a death dream on a pretty regular basis for as long as I can remember, and it's always left me feeling at a bit of an anticlimax in the morning: that nagging regret that it didn't happen for real and the hope throughout the day that "tonight it might work". However, as is fairly obvious by the presence of this post, it has never happened, and over the years, although it never went away, I had, I thought, learnt to live with the gutted feeling that lived inside me and took over my thoughts. But then recently it started to become more pressing, a far more active and distracting thought in my mind that I can't seem to work through; nor do I want to if I'm honest.

Well there's not really anything I can do about it except try and practice my bluffing technique for tomorrow so that I don't ruin my Dad's birthday, not something I'm terribly optimistic about, but I do want him to have a nice day.

Friendly Wednesday

Mark and I went to Richmond today to look for my Dad's birthday present, and we seem to have stumbled upon a new type of "Day" (you know the thing, "Fathers' Day", "Valentine's Day", "Dressdown Friday" etc), which we think ought to become a regular feature in people's Diaries. We have Christened it "Friendly Wednesday".

Almost everyone that we met seemed to be in a nice, friendly mood, even the Bus drivers who are not renowned in London for their politeness. Mark had a nice chat with the comic shop owner whose area of Geekiness appeared to be on a similar wavelength to his own, and the lady in the newsagents who updated our oyster cards smiled and spoke to us rather than just staring at us with the "this is a local shop..." attitude.

We did think, while we were eating our chip-shop lunch by the river, that maybe it was just because were in Richmond which is somewhat posher than Hounslow, but then we remembered that the guy who brought us our Tesco delivery this morning was also really nice (I liked him so much I was tempted to invite him in for Tea and Cake), so it seemed that it could be a more general thing.

So..."Friendly Wednesdays", let's run with it people.

Update

Man, things have been hectic lately.

I've never been scared of exams in my life, and yet this year I couldn't stem the panic. I felt like I was having constant heart-attacks or something of the sort: not at all pleasant. The results come out tomorrow, and it's a fairly foregone conclusion that I have failed them all, even taking into account the 'mitigating circumstances'. This of course means retakes, but what I learned yesterday was that if it is as bad as I think, it's likely that the University will recommend putting these off until next June, ie re-doing the whole year. Amazingly, this was something I had not even considered, and it came as a little bit of shock. I know it's the sensible and logical thing to do, but I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. I think that the University will get in touch with me with their recommendations and possibly seeing it written down in black and white will have a different effect (I just hope it's a better rather than a worse one).

On top of that source of tension, I went to see the Doctor on Monday and he has suggested a chage in the medication I'm taking, so this week I have gone 'cold turkey' on the prozac in anticipation of starting on a course of Citalopram. This will hopefully have a more positive effect on me, particularly with regards to the panic attacks which do not seem to have abated. Unfortuneately, he did point out that this will take a while to work and I may well see things worsen before they improve, so it looks as though I have an eventful few months ahead of me.

Well, that's the big events of the last month dealt with; I think I've waffled on enough for today. What I will say before I go is a big thanks to everyone for my Birthday cards/presents and good wishes, they were all much appreciated.

Going off now to drink tea and mope about; Bis Bald.

I wish I was dead

'nough said

Exams

Okay, so this is a venting post.

Not five minutes into my first (and theoretically easiest) exam, I started a panic attack. In order to stem the oncoming flow of hysteria, I had to initiate a complete mental shut-down, meaning that although I had the pen in my hand and am pretty sure I made marks on the paper; I have no idea what I wrote or whether any of it was relevant to the exam in question.

So I failed my easy unit. This obviously does not bode well for my other exams which are all going to be harder and which I know very little about. Leading me to spend the afternoon in a very black mood hiding under the duvet.

And it's all my own fault: I've been too unmotivated to do the work and even when I have been doing it, it exhausts me in no time at all (This post has taken me goodness knows how long) and I can't take it in. I hate it.

I know it's my fault, but knowing that isn't changing anything, the part of me that wants to change is just too damn small, and I'm too tired.

I feel so ill. I have to admit that I have spent most of this afternoon desperately planning suicide, but to be honest I feel too ill even for that. I can't say that I have decided not to do it, just that I have decided to put it on the back-burner for now, but it is looking more and more likely to happen as I feel less and less able to cope with this whole life thing (yes I know I'm a coward running away from the consequences of my actions etc. but I never claimed to be anything other than a wimp of the first degree).

So I'm still here, for now, but don't worry, I'm fairly sure I won't be a bother for too much longer.

Failure

Why, oh why did I choose Engineering Mathematics?

I don't think that I have ever been so convinced of failing in my life. And to top it all, today I have already had three severe panic attacks; of the gut-wrenching head-exploding uncontrollable-twitching variety, and I failed three past papers in my easiest unit.

I have now come to the conclusion that failure is inevitable, and so a part of me has completely given up on the basis that 'I'm going to fail, why bother?'

If anybody has any miracle solutions or ideas on how to give myself a kick up the backside before Wednesday, please let me know, because otherwise I am completely bu****ed.

I should've done leisure and tourism or 'golf-course studies' or just slit my throat...

Shhh...

I'm sleeping, er, no, revising. Yeah, that's it, revising (I think I got away with that one).

Consultation

There are two things I'd quite like people's help on.

The first, minor, one is the new blog layout: better or worse?

The Main issue though, is more of a personal one. I was wondering if anybody had any idea of how to stop what is becoming absolutely crippling neck pain. I used to have it constantly, and had thought lately that I was rid of it, but unfortuneately today it came back, with a mighty vengence. It is absolutely killing me, but I can't seem to find the trigger or a remedy.

This has really put a stop to my revision, as bending over paperwork is nigh-on impossible. If anybody has any suggestions as to how to relieve this (without going to a doctor), at least long enough for me to get some work done I would really appreciate it.

Apologies if there are mistakes in this post, I'm trying to hold my neck up and therefore having to utilise my rather poor touch typing skills whilst looking down my nose at the computer screen.

Thanks in advance, hopefully soon I might find some parallel me to come and write a more cheery post.

Bad, Bad Day

I would imagine the title speaks for itself doesn't it?

Hell, tanj and damnation

Oh fan-bloody-tastic, only just over twelve hours until the start of a new term and I'm feeling the approach of a panic attack. Hence writing this post; I am hoping that banal distractions will hold of the worst until bed-time when I can hope to sleep off the fear.

The worst thing is that I didn't even think I was scared: I was looking forward to a new start and a new kick up the preverbial, and I was actually looking forward to seeing my Uni colleagues again. Okay, so I'm fairly apprehensive about the exams, but from what I can gather I am in fact no worse off than anyone else; all the people I've been in touch with are as scared/unmotivated as I am, if not more (scary in itself, eh).

So I thought this term would be different, and we can but hope that it's simply first day nerves: a slightly elevated version of what everyone feels when returning to work after a holiday. However, if it isn't, standby for some serious self-pity: I will not be happy if this starts all over again.

As the poet once said I'm "Twitching like a finger on the trigger of a gun". For many people's sake, pray that I don't twitch too much, or I might just loose one (or two), and that, let's face it, would be kind of bad.

Now, where's that Whiskey...

Experiment

I started this game on the whiteboard at home in London, and thought it might be fun to try an internet version.

Storyboard

Here's the Rules:

• Only write two words at a time
• Try to keep it looking vaguely grammatically sound
• Try not to finish the sentence.

I've added a link to the document I started it in at the bottom of this post and on the link list to the right of the page. If you want to join the experiment, get in touch and I'll add you as a collaborator; it can get quite mad and be a lot of fun.

An example to start,

Once my favourite little

http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=ddxg28xz_0fxnb5gcd

Public Apology

On closer inspection and with translation into English, it appears that actually, the description of me as brown in the previous post is pretty darn accurate.

So apologies and thanks to Gill for explaining it in layman's terms and pushing me to re-read it.

I hereby accept the mantle of browness and try to avoid taking anything apart due to my inquisitive nature.

What Bollocks.

These quizzes are great for time-wasting, but they don't half spout some guff.

"Your true colour is brown!

You're brown, a credible, stable colour that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral colour, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart."

http://uk.tickle.com/test/truecolor.html

Holidays?

Hounslow. I'm back for a couple of weeks, and I'm trying to spend that time consolidate my work and get vaguely up to date so that when I go back I can focus on the last part of term at the same level as everyone else and possibly focus on my revision. So far things haven't gone entirely to plan though, so I'm not terrribly happy.

My Nan came home with me last Thursday and so I've been trying to spend so time with her, and now I've got her stinking cold, and can hardly breath let alone think. I look at my lecture notes, and all I can think is that I should already know all of this; yes, I was off before Christmas, but even the people that were still there were drunk or hungover most of the time, and I have been back for weeks now, so really I have no excuse.

The only thing that I can do to try and rationalise my way out of the hole I'm putting myself in is that I was trying to keep up with the current work at the same time as catching up with last term's, not really dedicating the right amount of time to either, and so falling behind on both, a vicious circle that feels like it's leading me through the various levels of Dante's hell.

Even now, when I've scraped up enough energy out of the gutter that is my head to get up and sit at the computer, I'm distracting myself by writing this, and spending all the time I could be working by moaning about the fact that I'm not.

I'm so pathetic it would be funny if it wasn't so painfully depressing.

Finished

I finally finished my Programming Project! After much cursing and tearing out of hair, I made I program that works, burnt it to disk added a funky cover and got it handed in.

Much encouragement and support was given to me, and the help from JB was invaluable; there's no way I'd've got there without him, cheers.

Not much else to say, I'm going on holiday tomorrow to eM's, (psyked!!), so updates on that to follow.

Despair

0016 and I'm still awake. What the F***?

I seem to be experiencing a gut-wrenching, nauseating, stress-induced insomnia. According to my routine (an idea suggested by the Doc), I should be in bed and heading off to sleep by 2230, and yet here I am. I feel sick, miserable, vaguely suicidal and basically a complete wreck.

I can't do this shit any more. I know I should be able to, but, taking Fluids for example, I turned up to an exam but that's it, I can't even remember whether I attempted any answers: all I remember is writing some gobbledegook in German actually on the exam paper. Or another prime example, Programming; I have spent what amounts to days on what should have been no more than a 12hr project, and not even got half way. I've done the most basic bits of the program, but not the actually important bits like the algorithm for solving the problem that's been set. What makes it worse is I can't even find the particular lecture notes that would help me, I don't know which ones are the ones I need. My cousin's been great (thanks JB), but I can't ask him too much, it's not fair, he does have a life of his own, and can't spend all his free time reading his pathetic cousin's frankly feeble attempts at writing a half way decent source code. I've been working on this for bloody ages, and not got any further, but the deadline isn't getting any further either; I'm due to hand in the finished article on Friday and I can't help feeling that it's just not going to happen.

Why am I still awake?? I'd rather go to sleep and never wake up than be awake and feel like I'll never get to sleep. Oh hell, this is all so rubbish, and now to top it all I'm rambling, with no particular thing to say except that I'm thoroughly annoyed. I guess I hoped that if I moaned enough here I'd wear myself out and find that really I haven't got that much to moan about. Problem is, I still feel like my life is a total waste of time, and I haven't managed to 'talk out' my problems to such an extent that they no longer seem to be problems.

I don't want to do this anymore; please, bring on the darkness, or even just the white coats and padded room, anything to get away from what I optimistically call this pathetic existence.

Urrrrggggghhhhhhhh............

New Hair and stuff

As the pic shows, I have had my hair done. The funky new cut and style was given to me by my cousin Matt (I highly recommend him to anyone with access to Bridgewater). It doesn't look quite like that now, as this was taken just after it had been done and he had straightened it and put gel or something in it, but it still looks uber cool. I'm afraid I've not been converted enough to go out and by myself straighteners or anything of that sort, but I'd let him do it again. I'm now looking forward to the summer when hopefully he'll dye it for me.

Matt did my hair in Saturday, when I went down to Burnham to stay over with my aunt and uncle for food and fun. It was a very cool weekend, so thanks to Gill and Martin, and Ben and Matt. I'm hoping at some point that they'll be able to come and see me and let me try and cook for them (although I wouldn't comment on how safe my cooking would be).

Unfortuneately, I am thoroughly bogged down at the minute with various assignments and an up-coming exam (Thurs 5 o'clock, arrgh), so even if I was an exciting sort of person, nothing doing for the next week or so. On the other hand, I have got some exciting things happening after that; my 3rd Christmas and a chance to check out my cousin eM's new place in a few weekends time, and then home for Easter and my parent's 25th wedding anniversary. That's a long time; my Dad always says a life sentance is shorter than that :)

Will put the computer to sleep shortly, otherwise all this work will drive me insane. For the next hour before I go to bed it's total work detox ready to start again at around 8 in the morning, yay :(

Like Indigo Finds Edgy Foals Under Cover, Kangaroos Incessantly Need Green Sustaining Umbrellas Coating Koala Skin.

I Wonder If Songs Harbour In Terror Wise Oblongs Undulating Limpid Discrepencies ALL Embedded 'Neath Dixieland.

Crunch Time

Today we got our programming assessment outlines for which we must write a suitable programme in two weeks; arrghh!

Part of me is quite psyked about this, as the second of the two options is about lexicographical analysis, which to me sounds great, but at the same time it does involve using the knowledge gained over the entirety of the course; about 11 weeks worth of work, and try as I may, I'm still only on the cusp of weeks 7 and 8. Therefore while part of me is looking forward to the challenge, another, greater, part of me is cacking myself that I won't be able to do it.

I know that this has to be my own work, and that no one can do it for me, but any feeling of support would not go unappreciated, I'm very worried about coming out of this looking a total arse. I hope the links I've put up will work, and if anybody feels like looking at my project options (for a laugh or to guage just how much sympathy I deserve), feel free to take a look.

http://www.enm.bris.ac.uk/staff/pjn/EMAT10920/project1.pdf
http://www.enm.bris.ac.uk/staff/pjn/EMAT10920/project2.pdf

2 Weeks

So I've reached the end of two full weeks, where I made myself attend everything I was supposed to without being too ill to go in or anything. A sad thing to be so momentus that it requires a blog post, but there you go, it's the extent of excitement in my life.

On the other hand, by the start of next week, I will have done two semi-social things: On Wednesday I went to see Sweeney Todd with my mate Maddy (see credits above)- seriously fun film, really good; and on Sunday I'm going to lunch with my brother Mark- should be fun (note to self, get a bottle of plonk).

I did have something else to say, but can't for the life of me think what it was, so I guess that's it for now.

Bugger...

Damn shelves;
Friday morning fixed;
Saturday evening broken again, spectacularly

Only Slightly Worried

Howdy.

So I've been a bit ill lately (more than usual), and it has made me think about some stuff. I have discovered that although I'm not now panicing that I will fail and not be able to handle life, that I have gone to the complete other extreme, and now don't really give a toss one way or the other. Every time I think to myself 'I should do some work' another, bigger part of me says 'stuff it, I don't want to'. The problem is that it's not like I'm distracting myself in a big way with anything else, most of the time I just want to curl up in bed and disappear, because that would save having to face anything. I think I'm just being lazy, but I can't kick myself out of it; it's not specifically that I can't be bothered, I just don't want to.

On the plus side when I was thinking about my counselling session (I'm giving it a go), and planning various methods of suicide again, I realised just why it is that I'm still alive, which also helped me my write my epitaph for when I do go:

'A Burden to others; God's test of the patience and kindness of those around her.'

Good eh, I've finally worked out that I don't really have a purpose to fulfill of my own, but that I'm here as part of other people's purposes to highlight their goodness; sort of like the preverbial Albatross to everyone else's Ancient Mariner.

So to sum up; my working life is shite and I'm not sure how to remedy it, but at least I know now why it is I have to put up with it.

Oh no, another addiction

I have discovered the beauty of youtube! The complete first and second series of the American version of Whose Line Is It Anyway, including the one below (One episode, three clips), which is the first American one featuring our very own home-grown comic genius, Josie Lawrence, Yay!

I dare you to watch this and not laugh; it's a genius program, and this isn't even one of the best episodes.

"I know that I have the body of a weak and feeble woman..."

...Well that's it actually, I have just had to admit to myself that I am, in fact, a weak and feeble woman, with none of the perks. I was walking home from Temple Meads Station with my laptop, coursework and a few clothes in my shoulder bag, can't have been too many kilos (the coursework was only about a packet and a half's worth of paper in three files, and my laptop can't be more than a couple; it's a Vaio don't ya know?), but I had to stop a couple of times, and now that I'm back, my shoulders are killing me. And there was me kidding myself that I had a certain degree of strength to hold my own, damn.

In other news, I came home quickly on Friday before going to my Nan's to discover that my shelf unit had decided to come away from the wall, throwing everything on the floor and breaking a glass frame that I had had on display on the top. I have emailed my landlord, but heard nothing back yet, and I can't leave it anymore. Originally I had left everything as it was, so that he could see for himself when he came, but now I just have to tidy up; I have taken some pics, and if anyone wants a laugh at my wonderful welcome home present, take a look.

Hope everyone else had good hols, I know eM did :)