Losing the game:

Sometimes I think I'm just a pawn,

In that game you play with other people's lives.

You set up challenges throughout the day -

Knowing full well they can't be done.

Do you laugh, I wonder, as you watch us flounder?

Is it some sadistic pleasure you draw from our efforts,

Or is it just cold academia that drives your study?

Even as the night draws in and the game is at a lull,

Some other force, (or is it you?)

Denies me the rest I’m sure I'm due

And so, exhausted, it all begins again.

This viscous cycle spiralling down.

Until,

I fear,

The darkness will out.

I’m having a bad few weeks. My grades are getting worse instead of better; I feel less and less inclined to participate in daily domestic duties – from getting out of bed onwards (inclusive of all those little things which most people do instinctively everyday and which I used to be quite particular about); my laptop is increasing the speed of its descent into electronic senility and the result of my psychiatric evaluation is that in view of the severity, range and longevity of my many issues, the best course of action seems to be longer-term, more intensive therapy rather than guided self-help. There is, of course a waiting list for this type of therapy (aimed in part at helping those sorts of people who have self-harmed or felt suicidal tendencies…), so I have no idea when that will start, but I hope that it starts soon and is effective, because to be honest I’m starting to get a wee bit desperate.

Apart from anything else, I’m dying for one good night’s sleep, although if I woke up in the morning to find I wasn’t still utterly exhausted, I’d probably have a heart attack.

It’s had a big effect on my work: A lot of the time I’m like some sort of confused, sleep-deprived, geriatric zombie suffering from senile decay and when I’m not, I’m being overly hyper to try and compensate – both scenarios leading to general bad health and I’m left wondering how the group I’m working with can possibly make sense of anything I’m saying. On the subject of which – apologies if this is in appalling English, I will probably retract this post at some point in the future.

(Sorry for the shitty quality of the poem – it’s a first draft which I dashed off about 6 minutes ago purely to head this post… may or may not polish it off at a later date)

First of all, thanks all for your kind thoughts.

I saw the Doctor last week. He wasn't much help with the 'flu symptoms; he said they'd sort themselves out over time, and they did disappear for a bit, although I've got them back again now, and will probably have them on and off for the rest of the winter. What he did do was give me four prescriptions such that I'll soon be rattling like a pill box. There's my anti-depressants; some new migraine pills (So expensive he's only given me 6 and told me I'm on no account to lose them); some other pills that I'm to take for three or four days every month; and some ferrous sulphate for an Iron-deficiency, which is not anemia but something similar. Hopefully soon these will take effect, and some progress will be seen with my health.

So far I'm still feeling pretty low, however, and this is certainly not helped by the lack of internet at home. As you can see, I have access to internet at Uni (hence being able to write this), but it's not as convenient, and the worst thing is that as far as I can tell, the problem is elementary: The last time I did a 'Diagnose and Repair', it came up with a message and link telling me to connect ot the ISP. Upon clicking the link, I get a stcok page from BT saying the service has been suspended due to the bill not being paid. Apparently, the man in charge of our property says that this is an error and that of course the bill's been paid, but I have reached the point where I don't altogether believe anything he says; he appears rather useless and looks quite like a stereotypical used car salesman. I am therefore not happy.

Oh well, I suppose that things will sort themselves out. I hope to put another poem up soon to compensate to an extent for this rambling complaint, but until then, thanks again to everyone for their concern, and hopefully I'll see folks soon, and be less moany in person: Only three weeks now until I finish for Christmas.

Today I am very low; I have no internet at home and am suffering from 'flu like symptoms. I have sat half comatose through all my morning lectures and I don't anticipate being any more lively in the next one.

Hopefully my Doctor's appointment will give me some help, if I survive until 4 O'Clock, which feels like an age away.

Consultation

There are two things I'd quite like people's help on.

The first, minor, one is the new blog layout: better or worse?

The Main issue though, is more of a personal one. I was wondering if anybody had any idea of how to stop what is becoming absolutely crippling neck pain. I used to have it constantly, and had thought lately that I was rid of it, but unfortuneately today it came back, with a mighty vengence. It is absolutely killing me, but I can't seem to find the trigger or a remedy.

This has really put a stop to my revision, as bending over paperwork is nigh-on impossible. If anybody has any suggestions as to how to relieve this (without going to a doctor), at least long enough for me to get some work done I would really appreciate it.

Apologies if there are mistakes in this post, I'm trying to hold my neck up and therefore having to utilise my rather poor touch typing skills whilst looking down my nose at the computer screen.

Thanks in advance, hopefully soon I might find some parallel me to come and write a more cheery post.

Update

I've been to the doctor's and been certified for four weeks, which takes me up to the Christmas holidays. I saw a different doctor at the practice, who said that Dr *******, while being a good doctor is probably not the best at dealing with the mental health side of things; like I hadn't noticed. So I'm still taking the drugs, with some new ones on top (for Gastritis, yay), and other avenues are being explored for me. Next check a week on Monday, until then I am still kinda in a state of confused flux. On the upside however, I did manage to get out of the house, and felt confident enough to stay out long enough to visit my aunt; every cloud and all that. Hopefully I can keep up this whole confidence building thingand do something productive: I have plans for things that I could do at home, and if things work out okay, I want to help my Nan with her decorations etc. and my cousin with the redecoration of her NEW HOUSE (My cousin's getting her own house, how uber cool is that?)!!!!