Life, The Universe and Everything (Well, Google, but that's close, right?)

Life,

Apparently I have been wandering around since New Year with 'flu. It seems to have gone now: exchange program with the common cold. My blood test also showed virtually no vitamin D or folate registering in my system at all. This is considered a bad thing, thus, more pills, and food.

Now, I have been trying for a couple of months to eat everyday, but I'm not a fan. It's like the effort it takes to eat outweighs the energy I receive. This standard of diminishing returns feels pointless, as does the time it all takes. However, it seems imperative to keep up the whole eating lark for the time-being, so I hope I adjust soon.

The Univers(ity)

The end of my time in Bristol is approaching at what feels like an accelerated rate. I have roughly updated my Uni blog with what's happening, but it hard to do since I haven't been with it for a while now. Unfortunately, this not only impedes my ability to discuss work, it also disrupts the work itself. Therefore, I have made the decision (probably a few weeks late) to take a couple of days off in an attempt to let both my body and mind recuperate a little so that I am in a somewhat better state to complete the necessary work in the 5 weeks leading to the Easter break at which point I can refocus on the last stretch to my finals. I hate taking time off, but I am only missing 2 lectures and I think missing 2 and understanding the remaining 18 is preferable to recording 100% attendance and 0% competency.

And Google

Last week I had my final official session with my Google mentor. I had't intended to take part in the mentor programme when first I was offered it for a number of reasons, for example:

• It simply didn't feel very fair - I have not had the best education when it comes to programming: we weren't taught in school, my C lecturer was useless, my Java/Haskell lecturer was out-of-date and clearly apathetic about the whole thing, and I taught myself C++. Clearly, this would make improving my coding skills a mammoth task.
• Inter-personal relations are not my strong suit - I hate being rude, but I have problems understanding generic social boundaries and have to adapt to each individual's as I get to know them (not always a quick process), after which there is always still a chance that I'll say something insulting without even knowing it.
• I was sure I'd be useless - I spend most of my time exhausted, and when I'm not I need to be working on Uni stuff, so finding time to do anything outside the sessions was likely to be impossible.

However, I was told to do it and I think I'm glad I did. I don't know what experience the other students on the programme had, but I would hazard the opinion that I got the best one. I've always had a lot of respect and sympathy for anyone who has had to be my teacher, but for my Google mentor I think it must have been especially hard. How do you work with someone who basically doesn't know anything, who never has any time to reinforce the information you've passed on, and is mentally broken? Well, I still don't know, but he managed it - and stayed cheery throughout as well! Here are just two of the non-programming-specific things that he taught me:

• When faced with a problem, try and break it up into little chunks, or sub-problems: Small problems are generally more easily solved (and/or compared to other problems whose solution you could recycle).
• Never ignore your first idea: Writing it down may help you see where the main issues are, or suggest new ways to break the problem down. It also "gets the ball rolling" which is always a good thing.

Ok, New Plan...

I don't want to go back on anti-depressants again.

The problem is that it's looking increasingly likely that I will soon be in a position where I essentially have no choice. (I know, we always have a choice, but external pressure is a bigger thing than you'd think, as is the shadow of suicide, hence the "essentially" modifier.) I want to stave this off for as long as I can. Luckily, my doctor is almost impossible to get an appointment with, so that helps.

If I want to get anything done I'm going to need to reimpose some semblance of structure into life. I am not functioning at anything even approaching optimal, in fact there seems to be far less than 50% operational efficiency, and I know that lack of structure and routine clouds my mind. Therefore, reinstating this would seem to be a logical thing to prioritise. If my hypothesis is correct, it should at least mitigate, to some extent, the debilitation I currently seem to be experiencing. So, not so much new plan as reinvented old one.

A theoretically public forum may be expected to produce a sense of obligation to maintain standards set, and thus I have chosen this blog as one of the starting points for this regime shift. I will attempt, in particular, to begin using a Word of the Week type premise again, in order to have something in my new routine which is not work related but may be subjected to analysis and is a compatible activity with the need for timetabling.

Any other suggestions, besides "pull yourself together" (or equivalent), would be gratefully received and taken into consideration.