Getting a little political...

Just a quick post to pay my respects to Benazir Bhutto. She was probably Pakistan's best hope of a proper democracy, and her death will have so many reprocussions.

Rest in Peace Ms Bhutto.

Blog Photos

Wow, what a loser, I have only just worked out how to get a photo onto a post. This is me trying to be sociable for Christmas. Other images on facebook, and maybe I'll put some more up later.

Also, for some of the more pushy people, there are a couple of photos from the Bristol party, although none with me in; sorry.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=23444&l=e0ce5&id=706423254

(Apparently this is a public link, I don't think you need an account on Facebook to see it)

Titles, grrr, I don't know what to call this

So it has been nearly a week since the party, and no pics. Sorry about that, but unfortunately, they turned out to be pretty shite, and so there will be no photos of the EngMat 1st yr Christmas party. I will make more of an effort next time.

Hope everybody's looking forward to Christmas (or Winterval).

Update

Right, so I saw Alan Champneys, the Head of EngMat, today (cool bloke), and he gave me some more strategies that I could try. He realised that the course is not the problem, and he even thinks that it wouldn't be that hard for me to come back in January.

It looks like my big problem is giving myself some kind of outlet other than work, and that should make things more comfortable. I think that this blog, and some of the other things I have been working seem to be quite a good start, so I seem to be making good progress. I don't even need to worry about paperwork, he said that I can come back in January and that when I'm sure I want to stay, and that I'm doing okay, then we can worry about forms etc.

As part of this attempt to find other things to occupy my time, I am going to the 1st year EngMat Christmas Party tonight; scary or what? I will be helping to set up from about 5 onwards, and I am hoping that if I feel I've been a bit helpful I might feel better about being there.

Feedback on the party will follow, maybe I'll even take pictures.

"The following blog may have offensive content and contain large doses of moaning"

Okay, so it seems I'm destined to hang around for a bit longer, so as promised here comes some moaning; although not so much self pity today.

I am making this an official rant, made all the easier to do by the fact that it is highly unlikely that the people I am ranting about will ever read this. So, here goes:

Certain people in a certain finance department at a certain Uni in Cheltenham completely suck (subtle eh?)!!! My cousin rocks and anyone that thinks or says otherwise is a absolute berk. So many people are failing at irradicating bullying in schools, but at least they are trying; what about bullying in the workplace?

I'm writing this cos I'm not sure what I can do to help and I won't see my cous for a bit, but suffice to say I am not happy with this situation, and as I have certain aggression problems, if anyone involved ever does hear about this, they should think very carefully about their attitude before I come to visit.

Wow, that was quite melodramatic and rambling wasn't it, but I hope people get the jist of what I'm trying to say: My family and friends are all that matter to me and I get seriously pissed off if anything happens to any of them.

Apologies

Sorry folks, apparently my last post looked like a suicide note and some people got a bit worried. It wasn't exactly me deciding to end it, but more a wish that somebody else would end it for me. As it happens I was out of luck and I'm still here. Yesterday I thought things were looking up, but I was wrong again; seeing my friend Maddy was great (she's flippin' awesome), and seeing Mark today was nice, but I had another funny turn while he was here, and now I feel like shit again.

I am uber cold and even sitting against my radiator (which does now work) doesn't seem to be helping, so I have made myself a Baileys and Hot Chocolate, and am going to snuggle up and watch Hot Fuzz again. If there is any justice (which I doubt there is) this will be the last post I write as my troubles and I will disappear in my sleep. If this doesn't happen I expect I will just be clogging up the web with more moaning and self pity; if there was anyone reading this, I suggest you give up now while you still hold dear any semblance of life.

Every silver lining has cloud

Damn!!

It just gets worse doesn't it?

I am now telling the world to get stuffed, I'm going to bed and I hope that I never get up again, eternal darkness is highly desired right now.

Thanks again everyone, and it's not anyone elses fault but mine, you've all been great and I'm sorry that I couldn't live up to everyone's faith in me, I just don't have what it takes I guess.

Seeya

Brizzle

As the Title suggests, I am now back home in Bristol, and I have the internet, woohoo!

I feel kinda nervy, but I really want to give this a go, and I have the added comfort of being more in touch with people now that I am online. I also feel a bit better knowing that I have my cousin Benji's Christmas present, and have had some ideas for some other people.

Now that I'm here I don't really know what to do, probably not much until tomorrow, although I do need to tidy up; when I popped in on my way to my Nan's from London, I just dumped a load of stuff on the floor, and it's driving me nuts!

Update soon, but for now a big thank you to everyone who supported me to get this far.

Surprise, surprise...

Another predictable me quiz...
"Calm down, you're an overreactor!

You're an Overreacter. Putting you in the ranks of professional worriers everywhere, your stress style makes for a rather dramatic life. You tend to imagine worst-case scenarios whenever possible — in some way, picturing the most severe outcome even feels comforting.

But while feeling stressed before problems occur gives you a sense of control, it can also be exhausting (not to mention time-consuming). Reacting sharply to stress may also make you prone to angry (even violent) outbursts. Reining in your knee-jerk reactions could help you get this tendency under control and make you a less unpredictable person to be around in times of trouble. So, relax a bit... we promise the sky won't fall if you stop holding it up!"

Update

Saw the Doctor today, and she says that I have made amazing progress in the last couple of weeks, helped a lot, she thinks, by the fact that my pills have now really started to kick in and do their stuff. I told her that what I really wanted to do was to get back home to Bristol, and that I thought if I went now without the pressure of lectures or any obligation of that sort it might be a way of easing myself back into things. Showing that scary kind of insight that people who've known you for ages seem to have, she agreed that this would be good as I have this tendency to compartmentalise things and to take these sort of logical steps would probably work for me; while I'm there I can also see about looking into going back after Christmas, and meeting up with my Uni mates outside lectures.

Sounds like I'm pretty much fine doesn't it? I hope this lasts, but in order not to throw myself into the deep end too dramatically, I am going to stay with my Nan for a bit, and see my wonderful, life saving family. Partially because I want to see everyone, partly as it will be a nice mid-point between being away from home and being totally on my own. A big reason though is that my Nan has not been at all well, and I want to go and take my turn in looking after her for a change.

Wow, I can't half waffle can't I?

'Scuse me while I just go and hide in a corner somewhere and wish it would all be over, to save having to live everyday trying to convince myself and everyone else around that I'm getting better and feeling more positive. At least I have convinced myself that I can live with it, thanks to everyone who helped drum that into me.

Damnation

There was me thinking that things were looking up...

Yesterday and Monday I did manage the whole going out thing, but it made me feel really sick; today I stayed in bed until one and would have stayed longer if I hadn't heard the call of nature and then forced myself to get up. I felt truly shite, and to top it all, when I did get up I discovered that my Nan (who was with us for a few days when she came back from holidaying with her brother in Jersey) had given me her cold. Not happy.

On the plus side, my cousin eM should by now have the keys to her new house ready to move in tomorrow. She's not feeling too well either though, so here's an official 'Get Well Soon' from me.

Music

I have been scared to listen to music for ages; I haven't even listened to Sounds of the Sixties, my favourite show. Today, though, Harry showed me this great website where I can create a playlist and add it to my blog, so we had a bit of a music fest. You will find the MP3 player at the bottom of my blog, and you may notice the subtle connection in the vague themes (or my interpretation of those themes) of each song. Plus let me know what you think about the two versions of New England, which do you prefer?

N.B. eM and Ben, Barenaked Ladies is especially for you, hope you like it.
Martin, Katie Melua's for you.

Update

I've been to the doctor's and been certified for four weeks, which takes me up to the Christmas holidays. I saw a different doctor at the practice, who said that Dr *******, while being a good doctor is probably not the best at dealing with the mental health side of things; like I hadn't noticed. So I'm still taking the drugs, with some new ones on top (for Gastritis, yay), and other avenues are being explored for me. Next check a week on Monday, until then I am still kinda in a state of confused flux. On the upside however, I did manage to get out of the house, and felt confident enough to stay out long enough to visit my aunt; every cloud and all that. Hopefully I can keep up this whole confidence building thingand do something productive: I have plans for things that I could do at home, and if things work out okay, I want to help my Nan with her decorations etc. and my cousin with the redecoration of her NEW HOUSE (My cousin's getting her own house, how uber cool is that?)!!!!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That's all folks

Nerds Ahoy!

So I found this on Harry's site and discovered I am as predictable as I thought. I don't know whether this makes me proud or makes me feel like total shite.

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Science/Math Nerd   (Absolute Insane Laughter as you pour toxic chemicals into a foaming tub of death!) Well, maybe you aren't this extreme, but you're in league with the crazy scientists/mathmeticians of today. Very few people have the talent of math and science is something takes a lot of brains as well. Thank whosever God you worship, or don't worship, so thank no deity whatsoever in your case, for you people! Most of us would have died off without your help.
Literature Nerd
Musician
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Social Nerd
Drama Nerd
Anime Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

Arr, pirates

So I've done another test...

Ooh argh! You be an eccentric dandy of a pirate!
Well, aren't ye the charmin' rapscallion? Ye could probably rob someone blind and still leave 'em feeling chuffed that they met you – even if ye made them walk the plank! Whilst ye have one sea weary eye on amassin' a personal treasure trove fit to sink the finest galleon, yer other eye (assuming you're not wearing a patch) is makin' sure you're always seen to be struttin' yer stuff and lookin' mighty fine. Just like Jack Sparrow ye'd never be slow in remindin' people that there should be a 'Captain' afore your name and if ye happen to be more than a little bit eccentric it just adds to yer air of piratey mystique. Ye certainly don't need a parrot or a wooden leg, but we wouldn't be too surprised if ye had a tattoo or two in some interesting places!

http://uk.tickle.com/test/pirate.html

Mood Diary

Date: 10-11-07
Mood: 3
Events/Activities: Watching Star Trek
Emotions/Feelings: Shite, panic, Chest pain

Howdy Folks

Just set up a blog as something to occupy my mind now that I've discovered I can't hack Uni. Don't expect any excitement, just a lot of moaning and self-pity.