Hiding in my own house...

For a number of reasons, I have taken the decision to barricade myself into my bedroom which, although as hateful as the rest of the house right now, has the minor virtues of containing my bed, my laptop and the ability to be barricaded at all. Also, it gets me out of the way:

While my parents are away, my brother has become accustomed to having the place to himself to spend time listening to loud music and have his mates round. It's about half way through their holiday now and so far he's had to put up with me moping around the whole time. I figure that as he's been working all week and I've had the place to myself, it's only fair that he should be allowed some time which is similar to that which he is used to normally. So an additional bonus of choosing my room is that he's free to go about as if I wasn't here at all. With him being at work all day, my main purpose was to get food in for him, and I hope I've got enough to last at least until the beginning of next week, which means I'm not needed now until church on Sunday - I have cake and water in my room so I think everything's provided for.

I reckon we can probably go right up until mum and dad get home without him having to see any more of me, and if I miscalculate my provisions and die - we can always hope - it shouldn't be for a few days, and by the time it's noticed, they should be home and able to deal with it. He did tell me once that it would be inconvenient for me to die when it was just the two of us, so I'll try, but I have to admit, that today it was only through lack of equipment that I didn't wipe out an existence which should never have been at all.

Five Years; Five Pro-points

A week tomorrow I leave Bristol and return to Hounslow (anyone with whom I share correspondence, please don't send me any more Brizzle mail). This city has been my home for nearly 5 years now, and I don't mind saying that I really don't want to go.

5 years. How is it that in one breath I can feel that my degree has taken a lifetime, and in the next I'm wondering where the time went? It has been suggested to me, more than once, that me taking a degree was a "waste of time", and until I get a job I can't really judge one way or the other, but, although it has been a momentous struggle, it would be a lie to say that there aren't some things from the last half-decade which I can already recognise as positives. In the interests of balance - as they say on the BBC - it seems only fair to share some of the good things in requital for the seemingly endless stream of negativity so far published here.

Five Years; Five Points in their Favour

1. Living Solo:
   Okay, so I didn't adjust too well to all the changes to my life which I encountered on first moving to Bristol, but having my own place was a great boon to me. A place of order, where I could lay my hands on whatever I needed, as soon as I needed it; a place where I lock myself away and hide when I was at my worst; a place where I could go and not have to talk to anyone or be obliged to make conversation; a place where I could shout at the television and not disturb anyone but myself...
2. Family:
   I have a reasonable number of relatives in the West Country, but over the years, for one reason or another, we had lost touch a little. When I came to Bristol to study I was able to reconnect with them, and they were as great as I remembered from my childhood. My aunt and uncle (to say nothing of the dog) saved me in a not insignificant way, and were brilliant and understanding company, both when I was really sick and when I improved. My two cousins, whom I pretty much idolised when I was growing up - I think they came second only to my brother as my role models - have become "grown-ups" since I was last in any real contact with them, with partners and mortgages and the like, but they're tech-savvy, drink friendly, geek grown-ups, who are cool to spend time with and gave me some very sound advice during my time here.
3. Unintended Friendships:
   I have to say, if you'd asked me 5 years ago to predict this list, I would definitely not have put friendship. I have never had, or felt the need for, many friends as they don't really seem to me to be necessary, but over the years I have encountered some people who just seem to fall into that category. At Uni and through church I have met people who have had a real impact on my life, and the starts of pretty much all of these friendships have had very little to do with me.
   Take my Best friend, Maddy, for instance. Now, Maddy is a genius of the first degree (literally, she actually got a 1st), who has a life, a good degree, a black belt in Kempo and now a good job, and yet on the first day of the first year of lectures, she met me and seemed to decide that I would make a good sidekick. For a seemingly well-balanced person, this has always struck me as a bit odd, and I can't for the life of me work out what she gets out of the relationship, but I think it's been good for me in a number of respects.
4. Rekindled Hobbies:
   I think that I always quite enjoyed photography, helped, of course, by the fact that my father was a photographer, but it was just one of those things that one did on holiday. I've also always had a bit of a thing for the countryside and for good architecture, and Bristol has both in abundance. So what would be more natural than to take some shots? It was at this point that I discovered I really enjoyed photography, and when my uncle gave me his old film Canon, I found I could have some real fun. I have no pretensions to creativity (my brother got all the family "artiness"), so my shots are neither imaginative nor particularly pleasing aesthetically, but they're fun to take, and I have, in the past, tried to get some inspiration from sites such as ephotozine and flickr.
5. An Interesting Diagnosis:
   At the end of last year I was diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome (AS), a condition on the autism spectrum. It may seem strange to list this as a positive, but this is a life-long condition which is now recognised and may explain quite a lot for me. I don't know for sure what difference knowing I have AS will make in my life, although there is a chance I will be able to get some more support with certain aspects of it, but it does seem to shed light on some things both from my past and my present (certainly my mother thinks so), and it is at least a piece of knowledge for my internal files.

You're Giving Me Capt. Archer? Really?

Sometimes when thinking about certain situations, people envisage a number of different scenarios - generally along the lines of the best, or at least most preferable, one; the good, or at least acceptable, one; and the one which would be bearable if absolutely necessary. In this instance:

• To never have existed;
• To die;
• To have some use in the world and enough health/strength to see it through.

The problem is that one so often falls short of their own imaginings, even those they feel are conservative.

It's like needing someone to command the Enterprise: you're thinking Patrick Stewart, Bill Shatner, or maybe, at a push, Alan Ruck, but then you get stuck with Scott Bakula.

Of course, the first case is clearly impossible, but neither of the others are intractable problems, were I not so weak (even ignoring the physical weaknesses the solutions to which are largely in the hands of others at the moment). How often is it said that getting something done, particularly curing oneself of a mental illness, is simply dependent on really wanting it and deciding to make it happen? Motivation is surely a key, but I don't think it is purely will, I think it is the strength of character driving the will. I don't mean strength in the sense of depth of yearning, but more fundamentally, the ability to put such yearning into action. It is an ability, like painting or composing, which is not always available to whoever wants it. Yes some abilities can be taught, to a point, but can they all, to all people? Can a deaf man hear, just because he really wants to?

I am not just weak, I am weak minded. I mean, both ends of the life spectrum are on my list: oblivion or useful existence, and presumably I could make either happen - I'd love to in fact - but my mental feebleness and pervading cowardice leave me stewing.

I wonder occasionally, if God's idea of 7 days is 14 billion years, then surely the 28 day warranty on this life he gave me must still be intact. D'you think he does refunds?

So, While I've Been Studying...

... my brother and his mates have been doing this:

Crazy Music Happenings Resulting In "Existence Zero: Definitions of a Heresy"

Apparently, it's classed as Cosmic War Metal (generally in all caps, but I'm not really as shout-y as metal-heads), and as much as it's not my brother's usual creative style, it's not my primary go to genre for listening. However, it's the sort of music to play during global war, and when I'm revising that's what my head thinks is happening, so last week was a convenient release date in that I was in the right mindset to receive it and give it a hearing.

Without experience of metal in general, I can't really compare it objectively on the basis on conformity to musical convention, but from an outsider's perspective it seems pretty good. Although there is an overall theme and consistency of style, there is enough of a melodic, rhythmic and temporal range across the record which creates an entry point for a variety of listeners depending on their metal pedigree or tastes. For myself, I have discovered that vocals aren't really my cup of cha in this area, but the examples here seem well produced for those for whom this is not the case, and, since the record is not too vocal-heavy, this did not detract significantly from the listening experience.

I will probably listen again properly when my exams are over, to give a more detailed review, and perhaps to see if the lack of stress alters my perceptions, but for now, I recommend a listen and would have to say it is the best cosmic war metal EP I've heard, although it may help to know that this is the only cosmic war metal EP I've heard...

Hmm...

My boots are dying and I will soon have to replace them, but unfortunately, the prospect of shopping, particularly shoe-shopping fills me with an acute sense of dread. At times like this I am tempted to think that I might be better off if I were slightly more akin to the prototype of my gender. Or, preferably, just a little less agoraphobic.

Usually, I am able to avoid trips to physical places of trade by resorting to t'internet and sites such as Amazon, but I have a feeling that buying heavy-duty footwear which will be in everyday use (and thus must be as comfortable and hardy as possible) without first inspecting it is probably a bad thing.

Is anyone else who has suffered from this problem able to provide a solution - or, alternatively, willing to be my minder - because any useful advice would probably be received with my purchasing you the beverage of your choice?

Also, my coursework is nearly at an end, so the likelihood is that when revision starts in earnest, so will the blogging. (Delete any RSS feeds now!)

Thank You to Dr Williams

Today Rowan Williams announced his forthcoming departure from the post of Archbishop of Canterbury (the highest post in the Church of England, after the Monarch). It always seemed to me that Dr Williams was someone who proved that faith and personal integrity do not necessarily have to be wholly incompatible with the society of the Western World in the 21st century.

I find zealousness in any belief system, theistic or atheistic, unpalatable, but it seems that much press is given to those scary people - the horrible Terry Jones, or the highly vocal Richard Dawkins as examples from either side of the fence - and so has been generally quite reassuring to see Dr Williams appear every now and then with some quiet, well reasoned statement about some piece of current affairs.

Basically, apart from being a highly intelligent man whose opinions always seem carefully considered and genuinely held, he is the kind of person who shows that not all Christians are ignorant, crazy people, whose views can't ever be respected. He's the poster-boy for those who hold that there is no conflict between science and God: believing someone lit the fuse on the big bang can't quench the passion for knowledge.* So this is me saying thank you to Dr Williams for appearing sane and praying for his future success and for the appointment of somebody suitable as his replacement.

*In fact, it's like a onus to have that passion - if you believe in God, you believe in the parable of the talents and thus you should use every tool at your disposal (including technology, since that is the product of someone else's talents) to increase your talents and help your fellow man. The biggest (and possibly the only) difference that I can see between Christian and non-Christian knowledge-seekers is that Christians believe that one day they will get all the answers. That's not a licence not to look for the answers now, though: From a personal point of view, it's like taking apart a car to find out exactly how it works with the expectation that the manufacturer, having seen I want to know, will tell me what I've missed when my time to look runs out. But in that scenario, as in many, it's a case of if you don't ask, you won't be told (that's even in the Bible, "ask and it shall be given to you", not "sit on your arse and it will be handed to you on a plate").

Life, The Universe and Everything (Well, Google, but that's close, right?)

Life,

Apparently I have been wandering around since New Year with 'flu. It seems to have gone now: exchange program with the common cold. My blood test also showed virtually no vitamin D or folate registering in my system at all. This is considered a bad thing, thus, more pills, and food.

Now, I have been trying for a couple of months to eat everyday, but I'm not a fan. It's like the effort it takes to eat outweighs the energy I receive. This standard of diminishing returns feels pointless, as does the time it all takes. However, it seems imperative to keep up the whole eating lark for the time-being, so I hope I adjust soon.

The Univers(ity)

The end of my time in Bristol is approaching at what feels like an accelerated rate. I have roughly updated my Uni blog with what's happening, but it hard to do since I haven't been with it for a while now. Unfortunately, this not only impedes my ability to discuss work, it also disrupts the work itself. Therefore, I have made the decision (probably a few weeks late) to take a couple of days off in an attempt to let both my body and mind recuperate a little so that I am in a somewhat better state to complete the necessary work in the 5 weeks leading to the Easter break at which point I can refocus on the last stretch to my finals. I hate taking time off, but I am only missing 2 lectures and I think missing 2 and understanding the remaining 18 is preferable to recording 100% attendance and 0% competency.

And Google

Last week I had my final official session with my Google mentor. I had't intended to take part in the mentor programme when first I was offered it for a number of reasons, for example:

• It simply didn't feel very fair - I have not had the best education when it comes to programming: we weren't taught in school, my C lecturer was useless, my Java/Haskell lecturer was out-of-date and clearly apathetic about the whole thing, and I taught myself C++. Clearly, this would make improving my coding skills a mammoth task.
• Inter-personal relations are not my strong suit - I hate being rude, but I have problems understanding generic social boundaries and have to adapt to each individual's as I get to know them (not always a quick process), after which there is always still a chance that I'll say something insulting without even knowing it.
• I was sure I'd be useless - I spend most of my time exhausted, and when I'm not I need to be working on Uni stuff, so finding time to do anything outside the sessions was likely to be impossible.

However, I was told to do it and I think I'm glad I did. I don't know what experience the other students on the programme had, but I would hazard the opinion that I got the best one. I've always had a lot of respect and sympathy for anyone who has had to be my teacher, but for my Google mentor I think it must have been especially hard. How do you work with someone who basically doesn't know anything, who never has any time to reinforce the information you've passed on, and is mentally broken? Well, I still don't know, but he managed it - and stayed cheery throughout as well! Here are just two of the non-programming-specific things that he taught me:

• When faced with a problem, try and break it up into little chunks, or sub-problems: Small problems are generally more easily solved (and/or compared to other problems whose solution you could recycle).
• Never ignore your first idea: Writing it down may help you see where the main issues are, or suggest new ways to break the problem down. It also "gets the ball rolling" which is always a good thing.

Ok, New Plan...

I don't want to go back on anti-depressants again.

The problem is that it's looking increasingly likely that I will soon be in a position where I essentially have no choice. (I know, we always have a choice, but external pressure is a bigger thing than you'd think, as is the shadow of suicide, hence the "essentially" modifier.) I want to stave this off for as long as I can. Luckily, my doctor is almost impossible to get an appointment with, so that helps.

If I want to get anything done I'm going to need to reimpose some semblance of structure into life. I am not functioning at anything even approaching optimal, in fact there seems to be far less than 50% operational efficiency, and I know that lack of structure and routine clouds my mind. Therefore, reinstating this would seem to be a logical thing to prioritise. If my hypothesis is correct, it should at least mitigate, to some extent, the debilitation I currently seem to be experiencing. So, not so much new plan as reinvented old one.

A theoretically public forum may be expected to produce a sense of obligation to maintain standards set, and thus I have chosen this blog as one of the starting points for this regime shift. I will attempt, in particular, to begin using a Word of the Week type premise again, in order to have something in my new routine which is not work related but may be subjected to analysis and is a compatible activity with the need for timetabling.

Any other suggestions, besides "pull yourself together" (or equivalent), would be gratefully received and taken into consideration.