I wish I was dead

'nough said

Exams

Okay, so this is a venting post.

Not five minutes into my first (and theoretically easiest) exam, I started a panic attack. In order to stem the oncoming flow of hysteria, I had to initiate a complete mental shut-down, meaning that although I had the pen in my hand and am pretty sure I made marks on the paper; I have no idea what I wrote or whether any of it was relevant to the exam in question.

So I failed my easy unit. This obviously does not bode well for my other exams which are all going to be harder and which I know very little about. Leading me to spend the afternoon in a very black mood hiding under the duvet.

And it's all my own fault: I've been too unmotivated to do the work and even when I have been doing it, it exhausts me in no time at all (This post has taken me goodness knows how long) and I can't take it in. I hate it.

I know it's my fault, but knowing that isn't changing anything, the part of me that wants to change is just too damn small, and I'm too tired.

I feel so ill. I have to admit that I have spent most of this afternoon desperately planning suicide, but to be honest I feel too ill even for that. I can't say that I have decided not to do it, just that I have decided to put it on the back-burner for now, but it is looking more and more likely to happen as I feel less and less able to cope with this whole life thing (yes I know I'm a coward running away from the consequences of my actions etc. but I never claimed to be anything other than a wimp of the first degree).

So I'm still here, for now, but don't worry, I'm fairly sure I won't be a bother for too much longer.

Failure

Why, oh why did I choose Engineering Mathematics?

I don't think that I have ever been so convinced of failing in my life. And to top it all, today I have already had three severe panic attacks; of the gut-wrenching head-exploding uncontrollable-twitching variety, and I failed three past papers in my easiest unit.

I have now come to the conclusion that failure is inevitable, and so a part of me has completely given up on the basis that 'I'm going to fail, why bother?'

If anybody has any miracle solutions or ideas on how to give myself a kick up the backside before Wednesday, please let me know, because otherwise I am completely bu****ed.

I should've done leisure and tourism or 'golf-course studies' or just slit my throat...

Shhh...

I'm sleeping, er, no, revising. Yeah, that's it, revising (I think I got away with that one).

Consultation

There are two things I'd quite like people's help on.

The first, minor, one is the new blog layout: better or worse?

The Main issue though, is more of a personal one. I was wondering if anybody had any idea of how to stop what is becoming absolutely crippling neck pain. I used to have it constantly, and had thought lately that I was rid of it, but unfortuneately today it came back, with a mighty vengence. It is absolutely killing me, but I can't seem to find the trigger or a remedy.

This has really put a stop to my revision, as bending over paperwork is nigh-on impossible. If anybody has any suggestions as to how to relieve this (without going to a doctor), at least long enough for me to get some work done I would really appreciate it.

Apologies if there are mistakes in this post, I'm trying to hold my neck up and therefore having to utilise my rather poor touch typing skills whilst looking down my nose at the computer screen.

Thanks in advance, hopefully soon I might find some parallel me to come and write a more cheery post.