Exams

Okay, so this is a venting post.

Not five minutes into my first (and theoretically easiest) exam, I started a panic attack. In order to stem the oncoming flow of hysteria, I had to initiate a complete mental shut-down, meaning that although I had the pen in my hand and am pretty sure I made marks on the paper; I have no idea what I wrote or whether any of it was relevant to the exam in question.

So I failed my easy unit. This obviously does not bode well for my other exams which are all going to be harder and which I know very little about. Leading me to spend the afternoon in a very black mood hiding under the duvet.

And it's all my own fault: I've been too unmotivated to do the work and even when I have been doing it, it exhausts me in no time at all (This post has taken me goodness knows how long) and I can't take it in. I hate it.

I know it's my fault, but knowing that isn't changing anything, the part of me that wants to change is just too damn small, and I'm too tired.

I feel so ill. I have to admit that I have spent most of this afternoon desperately planning suicide, but to be honest I feel too ill even for that. I can't say that I have decided not to do it, just that I have decided to put it on the back-burner for now, but it is looking more and more likely to happen as I feel less and less able to cope with this whole life thing (yes I know I'm a coward running away from the consequences of my actions etc. but I never claimed to be anything other than a wimp of the first degree).

So I'm still here, for now, but don't worry, I'm fairly sure I won't be a bother for too much longer.