From a friend

This is a poem written by my friend: when I read it I thought that it needed some tlc, but that it had some nice potential, and was a more optimistic take on things than the sort of stuff I have been writing and avoiding posting lately.

Under Construction

I’m tearing myself apart,
and pulling myself together.
But it’s harder than it looks,
and I know I could do better.

Trying to amend my faults,
and fix up all my woes.
And I know I just can’t stop,
until this feeling goes.

By M.W.D. Lewis 15/10/09

Happy National Poetry Day

I am putting up this post, as it is National poetry day, and as I purport to be a poet of sorts (hey it rhymes!). Please note however, that this was written on the spur of the moment, and is not really indicative of the sort of quality that I normally aspire to.

Shout for all the world to hear,
Yipee, yahoo, hooray!
Shout to all the world, my Dear,
It's National Poetry Day!

Cut loose folks

To any of you who have stumbled across this site in a last ditch attempt to find something on the web to help you sleep; Apologies to you for having to put up with my banal conversation for all these years.

I understand now that the sort of stuff I talk about generally holds very little interest for anyone else, and so I probably bore you. One guy, who I've known for about 16 years, turned to me in the pub recently and said, "You know Hannah, you're more interesting than I thought (paraphrasing, but you get the idea)." So it turns out I do occasionally say something worth hearing, but if it's only once every 16 years, I'd give up on this relationship sharpish if I were you. This particularly applies to my family who may feel they have no choice; I'm telling you now, you do. Cut all ties and be done with it.

Do I know you from somewhere?

Wow, it's been a while.

Just a quickie to thank everyone for their support with my exams, exam results and house-hunting. This time next week I will be back in Brizzle, in my band new flat (pictures and description in due course). If you are for any sad reason a regular checker of this site, here is a list of what I expect/hope to be in the blog this new academic year:

Hopes- General updates re. (hopefully better) health and state of mind;
Pictures of my new flat, and hopefully from some outings that I would like to undertake this year;
Some more poetry and prose separate from my normal chronicled stuff and exclusive to the web;
Possibly some book reviews as I aim to set aside more time for recreation which will cheifly involve reading.

Other possible inclusions-
More blogs from my darker moments (this is my place of venting to avoid panic attacks);
Updates from the doctors;
General rants re. my health and my course.

So, some I hope some good will come of this blog as well as all the bad, but if you are reading this in a few months time and haven't seen any of the good stuff, I apologise, but you all know by now what I'm like, and as much as I would like something to happen, it's by no means guaranteed.

Anyhow, take care for now folks, tchuss

Who says Miracles never happen?

Okay, don't ask me how I did it, but somehow I managed to pass my first year retake, and almost respectably too. This means that at the end of September I will actually be going back to start what will be my 3rd year in Bristol, and my 2nd year of the course. I can't say enough how grateful I am to the folks who were, and indeed still are, supporting me, you all rock. Hopefully, with the plans I mean to implement over the Summer, I will be better placed to work and repay the belief that everyone seems to have in me.

I hope this holiday to consolidate the experience/knowledge that I have, apparently purely by osmosis, gained over the last year, and also to do some advance reading on next year's material, including an early look into the two new programming languages that I will be studying. This and the new daily schedule/routine that I am going to be settling in to over the next couple of months should mean that I can once again take on the role of the diligent student.

Further plans, which may, or may not, come to fruition, involve picking up some old hobbies, including some model making; and restarting the writing (poetry and prose) that I have been sadly neglecting lately, I'm out of practice, so apologies for the poor quality of this post. If I manage anything that seems okay, I will contemplate posting on here, maybe it will make up for the depressing rants that have been taking up all the space lately...

So, thanks again to everyone, and I really do hope that I will be able to make you all proud over the coming months/years.

WARNING: Another miserable rant coming up

When I was a child, I believed that I was a moderately intelligent, relatively hard-working person, and that when I grew up I could pretty much be whatever I wanted to be. It turns out I was being supremely and unjustifiably arrogant, and for starters I feel I should apologise to the people I was at school with for all the times I was inexcusably patronising to you.

I don't know if any of you know what it's like to spend years labouring under a misaprehension, but if you do, you will appreciate that when the truth hits you, it hits hard and is a fairly devasting blow.

These last few years have been eye-opening to me, and have shown the true extent (or more precisely the lack thereof) of my mental powers. My A-levels and first year of University were a disaster, and I think this marked the beginning of the end of my academic career. I have been reluctant to accept this, as I have always felt that academia was my purpose in life: my school work and the absorbtion of new knowledge were, to me, the most important things in the world. However, now, as I reach the conclusion of the first week of exams, I am forced to the recognition that I am actually not as good at education as I have been thinking all my life.

Last year I faced my first major failure, and this year saw me retake 6 of the 8 first-year EngMath units. I really thought I'd done enough this year, I thought my work-rate had picked up again, and that I had a chance. Unfortunately, when it came to revision-time and I started going over my notes & doing past papers, I discovered that I couldn't answer any questions. I have worked myself into exhaustion over the last few months, and now it seems that all of that meant absolutely nothing. In these exams, the pass rate is a measly 40%, and yet out of the 5 exams I have taken this week, I found, by the end of 2 of them, I had not written enough that even had everything been correct (which I know is not the case), I cannot possibly have passed them.

This seemed to me pretty conclusive as evidence that I shan't be continuing my studies much longer, and I don't mind admitting that this realisation was the most shattering of my life. I cannot imagine doing anything other than study, and although I knew I would, at some point, have to venture beyond into the world of work, I never, ever, imagined that it would come so soon, nor that my time at University would be such a catastrophic failure leading to my incredibly low employability (having no practical experience or decent qualifications).

Obviously, as my family keeps telling me, I don't actually know until the results come out on 19th June, but I'm afraid I don't think I'll be in Bristol much longer. While I'm fairly certain no one will bother reading this far down this post or care what happens, I will probably still post my results on here as and when I know them, but until then, if anybody can think of any jobs going that an unexperienced, unqualified young person with mental health problems could do, please let me know.

Disillusionments

Heed my warning folks, insomnia and a lack of home internet is not an aid to revision.

It is distracting and unhelpful for concentration, hence I am posting here and not thrilled about my progress in the studying area. My head is spinning, and feels as though it's full of soggy cotton wool, so if anybody has any motivational ideas or morale/health boosting suggestions, I'd be grateful.

Thanks peeps.

Oh it's you, of course I remember you ... um

Wow, it's been a while hasn't it?

The long absence doesn't appear to have made my heart grow fonder: I seem to still be as obnocious as I've always been, and although I don't have anything particularly interesting or eloquent to say, it's entirely possible that this rant will last far too long. In fact I think it probably has already if I'm honest, so I'll stop soon.

I think it's fair to say that I have some venting to do, but hopefully next time around I'll try and add something more positive as well; I am meeting a very dear friend on Saturday, which should be fun, and maybe I'll attempt to rustle up a poem as a reward for the few masochists left who are reading (please, stop torturing yourself, there's the whole internet out there, you don't have to be wallowing here with me).

Explanation

My brother asked me the other day why I hadn't done a blog post in so long.

The short answer is I've had nothing to say.

The longer answer is that I've felt like shit and had nothing to say.

Sorry.