0016 and I'm still awake. What the F***?
I seem to be experiencing a gut-wrenching, nauseating, stress-induced insomnia. According to my routine (an idea suggested by the Doc), I should be in bed and heading off to sleep by 2230, and yet here I am. I feel sick, miserable, vaguely suicidal and basically a complete wreck.
I can't do this shit any more. I know I should be able to, but, taking Fluids for example, I turned up to an exam but that's it, I can't even remember whether I attempted any answers: all I remember is writing some gobbledegook in German actually on the exam paper. Or another prime example, Programming; I have spent what amounts to days on what should have been no more than a 12hr project, and not even got half way. I've done the most basic bits of the program, but not the actually important bits like the algorithm for solving the problem that's been set. What makes it worse is I can't even find the particular lecture notes that would help me, I don't know which ones are the ones I need. My cousin's been great (thanks JB), but I can't ask him too much, it's not fair, he does have a life of his own, and can't spend all his free time reading his pathetic cousin's frankly feeble attempts at writing a half way decent source code. I've been working on this for bloody ages, and not got any further, but the deadline isn't getting any further either; I'm due to hand in the finished article on Friday and I can't help feeling that it's just not going to happen.
Why am I still awake?? I'd rather go to sleep and never wake up than be awake and feel like I'll never get to sleep. Oh hell, this is all so rubbish, and now to top it all I'm rambling, with no particular thing to say except that I'm thoroughly annoyed. I guess I hoped that if I moaned enough here I'd wear myself out and find that really I haven't got that much to moan about. Problem is, I still feel like my life is a total waste of time, and I haven't managed to 'talk out' my problems to such an extent that they no longer seem to be problems.
I don't want to do this anymore; please, bring on the darkness, or even just the white coats and padded room, anything to get away from what I optimistically call this pathetic existence.
2 comments:
"I'd rather go to sleep and never wake up than be awake and feel like I'll never get to sleep."
That whole post (though especially that line) was both beautiful and terrifing.
Hope things looked better this morning.
JB said this morning, helping you was a pleasure cos you didn't just copy and paste, you read what he suggested and learnt from it. He has no problems with helping you at all so send stuff his way.
Hope you're hanging in there.
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