Only Slightly Worried

Howdy.

So I've been a bit ill lately (more than usual), and it has made me think about some stuff. I have discovered that although I'm not now panicing that I will fail and not be able to handle life, that I have gone to the complete other extreme, and now don't really give a toss one way or the other. Every time I think to myself 'I should do some work' another, bigger part of me says 'stuff it, I don't want to'. The problem is that it's not like I'm distracting myself in a big way with anything else, most of the time I just want to curl up in bed and disappear, because that would save having to face anything. I think I'm just being lazy, but I can't kick myself out of it; it's not specifically that I can't be bothered, I just don't want to.

On the plus side when I was thinking about my counselling session (I'm giving it a go), and planning various methods of suicide again, I realised just why it is that I'm still alive, which also helped me my write my epitaph for when I do go:

'A Burden to others; God's test of the patience and kindness of those around her.'

Good eh, I've finally worked out that I don't really have a purpose to fulfill of my own, but that I'm here as part of other people's purposes to highlight their goodness; sort of like the preverbial Albatross to everyone else's Ancient Mariner.

So to sum up; my working life is shite and I'm not sure how to remedy it, but at least I know now why it is I have to put up with it.