Despair

0016 and I'm still awake. What the F***?

I seem to be experiencing a gut-wrenching, nauseating, stress-induced insomnia. According to my routine (an idea suggested by the Doc), I should be in bed and heading off to sleep by 2230, and yet here I am. I feel sick, miserable, vaguely suicidal and basically a complete wreck.

I can't do this shit any more. I know I should be able to, but, taking Fluids for example, I turned up to an exam but that's it, I can't even remember whether I attempted any answers: all I remember is writing some gobbledegook in German actually on the exam paper. Or another prime example, Programming; I have spent what amounts to days on what should have been no more than a 12hr project, and not even got half way. I've done the most basic bits of the program, but not the actually important bits like the algorithm for solving the problem that's been set. What makes it worse is I can't even find the particular lecture notes that would help me, I don't know which ones are the ones I need. My cousin's been great (thanks JB), but I can't ask him too much, it's not fair, he does have a life of his own, and can't spend all his free time reading his pathetic cousin's frankly feeble attempts at writing a half way decent source code. I've been working on this for bloody ages, and not got any further, but the deadline isn't getting any further either; I'm due to hand in the finished article on Friday and I can't help feeling that it's just not going to happen.

Why am I still awake?? I'd rather go to sleep and never wake up than be awake and feel like I'll never get to sleep. Oh hell, this is all so rubbish, and now to top it all I'm rambling, with no particular thing to say except that I'm thoroughly annoyed. I guess I hoped that if I moaned enough here I'd wear myself out and find that really I haven't got that much to moan about. Problem is, I still feel like my life is a total waste of time, and I haven't managed to 'talk out' my problems to such an extent that they no longer seem to be problems.

I don't want to do this anymore; please, bring on the darkness, or even just the white coats and padded room, anything to get away from what I optimistically call this pathetic existence.

Urrrrggggghhhhhhhh............

New Hair and stuff

As the pic shows, I have had my hair done. The funky new cut and style was given to me by my cousin Matt (I highly recommend him to anyone with access to Bridgewater). It doesn't look quite like that now, as this was taken just after it had been done and he had straightened it and put gel or something in it, but it still looks uber cool. I'm afraid I've not been converted enough to go out and by myself straighteners or anything of that sort, but I'd let him do it again. I'm now looking forward to the summer when hopefully he'll dye it for me.

Matt did my hair in Saturday, when I went down to Burnham to stay over with my aunt and uncle for food and fun. It was a very cool weekend, so thanks to Gill and Martin, and Ben and Matt. I'm hoping at some point that they'll be able to come and see me and let me try and cook for them (although I wouldn't comment on how safe my cooking would be).

Unfortuneately, I am thoroughly bogged down at the minute with various assignments and an up-coming exam (Thurs 5 o'clock, arrgh), so even if I was an exciting sort of person, nothing doing for the next week or so. On the other hand, I have got some exciting things happening after that; my 3rd Christmas and a chance to check out my cousin eM's new place in a few weekends time, and then home for Easter and my parent's 25th wedding anniversary. That's a long time; my Dad always says a life sentance is shorter than that :)

Will put the computer to sleep shortly, otherwise all this work will drive me insane. For the next hour before I go to bed it's total work detox ready to start again at around 8 in the morning, yay :(

Like Indigo Finds Edgy Foals Under Cover, Kangaroos Incessantly Need Green Sustaining Umbrellas Coating Koala Skin.

I Wonder If Songs Harbour In Terror Wise Oblongs Undulating Limpid Discrepencies ALL Embedded 'Neath Dixieland.

Crunch Time

Today we got our programming assessment outlines for which we must write a suitable programme in two weeks; arrghh!

Part of me is quite psyked about this, as the second of the two options is about lexicographical analysis, which to me sounds great, but at the same time it does involve using the knowledge gained over the entirety of the course; about 11 weeks worth of work, and try as I may, I'm still only on the cusp of weeks 7 and 8. Therefore while part of me is looking forward to the challenge, another, greater, part of me is cacking myself that I won't be able to do it.

I know that this has to be my own work, and that no one can do it for me, but any feeling of support would not go unappreciated, I'm very worried about coming out of this looking a total arse. I hope the links I've put up will work, and if anybody feels like looking at my project options (for a laugh or to guage just how much sympathy I deserve), feel free to take a look.

http://www.enm.bris.ac.uk/staff/pjn/EMAT10920/project1.pdf
http://www.enm.bris.ac.uk/staff/pjn/EMAT10920/project2.pdf