I have finally managed to start looking at the first three films taken on my new camera (Canon 500 EOS mmm yeh), and a few of them have now gone up on Flickr: criticism (constuctive only please) is always welcome.
Have in the last couple of weeks taken two more films; so there should be a fairly steady flow of uploads as an when I get round to getting them developed.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/23087670@N06/
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Monday, 7 July 2008
"And Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now"
Some days are better than others. Today is certainly not one of those days.
The Doctor, when he prescribed this new medication, did say that things would probably deteriorate quite a lot before they started to get any better, and he was definitely right. I feel rotten. My sleep is getting worse, something I didn't think could happen, and my moods are now so unpredictable that I really don't know what's going on from one minute to the next. It doesn't help of course that without Uni or anything like that, I don't have any structure which I feel obliged to follow; and please don't suggest I get a job, because the way I feel, and the way I am with new things, that just isn't an option. I wish it was, but there's no way I could handle that at present, I just couldn't.
With the short bursts of sleep that I do manage to get, I wake up feeling an even more intense sense of disappointment that the death dream didn't fullfil itself during the night. I've had a death dream on a pretty regular basis for as long as I can remember, and it's always left me feeling at a bit of an anticlimax in the morning: that nagging regret that it didn't happen for real and the hope throughout the day that "tonight it might work". However, as is fairly obvious by the presence of this post, it has never happened, and over the years, although it never went away, I had, I thought, learnt to live with the gutted feeling that lived inside me and took over my thoughts. But then recently it started to become more pressing, a far more active and distracting thought in my mind that I can't seem to work through; nor do I want to if I'm honest.
Well there's not really anything I can do about it except try and practice my bluffing technique for tomorrow so that I don't ruin my Dad's birthday, not something I'm terribly optimistic about, but I do want him to have a nice day.
The Doctor, when he prescribed this new medication, did say that things would probably deteriorate quite a lot before they started to get any better, and he was definitely right. I feel rotten. My sleep is getting worse, something I didn't think could happen, and my moods are now so unpredictable that I really don't know what's going on from one minute to the next. It doesn't help of course that without Uni or anything like that, I don't have any structure which I feel obliged to follow; and please don't suggest I get a job, because the way I feel, and the way I am with new things, that just isn't an option. I wish it was, but there's no way I could handle that at present, I just couldn't.
With the short bursts of sleep that I do manage to get, I wake up feeling an even more intense sense of disappointment that the death dream didn't fullfil itself during the night. I've had a death dream on a pretty regular basis for as long as I can remember, and it's always left me feeling at a bit of an anticlimax in the morning: that nagging regret that it didn't happen for real and the hope throughout the day that "tonight it might work". However, as is fairly obvious by the presence of this post, it has never happened, and over the years, although it never went away, I had, I thought, learnt to live with the gutted feeling that lived inside me and took over my thoughts. But then recently it started to become more pressing, a far more active and distracting thought in my mind that I can't seem to work through; nor do I want to if I'm honest.
Well there's not really anything I can do about it except try and practice my bluffing technique for tomorrow so that I don't ruin my Dad's birthday, not something I'm terribly optimistic about, but I do want him to have a nice day.
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
Friendly Wednesday
Mark and I went to Richmond today to look for my Dad's birthday present, and we seem to have stumbled upon a new type of "Day" (you know the thing, "Fathers' Day", "Valentine's Day", "Dressdown Friday" etc), which we think ought to become a regular feature in people's Diaries. We have Christened it "Friendly Wednesday".
Almost everyone that we met seemed to be in a nice, friendly mood, even the Bus drivers who are not renowned in London for their politeness. Mark had a nice chat with the comic shop owner whose area of Geekiness appeared to be on a similar wavelength to his own, and the lady in the newsagents who updated our oyster cards smiled and spoke to us rather than just staring at us with the "this is a local shop..." attitude.
We did think, while we were eating our chip-shop lunch by the river, that maybe it was just because were in Richmond which is somewhat posher than Hounslow, but then we remembered that the guy who brought us our Tesco delivery this morning was also really nice (I liked him so much I was tempted to invite him in for Tea and Cake), so it seemed that it could be a more general thing.
So..."Friendly Wednesdays", let's run with it people.
Almost everyone that we met seemed to be in a nice, friendly mood, even the Bus drivers who are not renowned in London for their politeness. Mark had a nice chat with the comic shop owner whose area of Geekiness appeared to be on a similar wavelength to his own, and the lady in the newsagents who updated our oyster cards smiled and spoke to us rather than just staring at us with the "this is a local shop..." attitude.
We did think, while we were eating our chip-shop lunch by the river, that maybe it was just because were in Richmond which is somewhat posher than Hounslow, but then we remembered that the guy who brought us our Tesco delivery this morning was also really nice (I liked him so much I was tempted to invite him in for Tea and Cake), so it seemed that it could be a more general thing.
So..."Friendly Wednesdays", let's run with it people.
Thursday, 19 June 2008
Update
Man, things have been hectic lately.
I've never been scared of exams in my life, and yet this year I couldn't stem the panic. I felt like I was having constant heart-attacks or something of the sort: not at all pleasant. The results come out tomorrow, and it's a fairly foregone conclusion that I have failed them all, even taking into account the 'mitigating circumstances'. This of course means retakes, but what I learned yesterday was that if it is as bad as I think, it's likely that the University will recommend putting these off until next June, ie re-doing the whole year. Amazingly, this was something I had not even considered, and it came as a little bit of shock. I know it's the sensible and logical thing to do, but I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. I think that the University will get in touch with me with their recommendations and possibly seeing it written down in black and white will have a different effect (I just hope it's a better rather than a worse one).
On top of that source of tension, I went to see the Doctor on Monday and he has suggested a chage in the medication I'm taking, so this week I have gone 'cold turkey' on the prozac in anticipation of starting on a course of Citalopram. This will hopefully have a more positive effect on me, particularly with regards to the panic attacks which do not seem to have abated. Unfortuneately, he did point out that this will take a while to work and I may well see things worsen before they improve, so it looks as though I have an eventful few months ahead of me.
Well, that's the big events of the last month dealt with; I think I've waffled on enough for today. What I will say before I go is a big thanks to everyone for my Birthday cards/presents and good wishes, they were all much appreciated.
Going off now to drink tea and mope about; Bis Bald.
I've never been scared of exams in my life, and yet this year I couldn't stem the panic. I felt like I was having constant heart-attacks or something of the sort: not at all pleasant. The results come out tomorrow, and it's a fairly foregone conclusion that I have failed them all, even taking into account the 'mitigating circumstances'. This of course means retakes, but what I learned yesterday was that if it is as bad as I think, it's likely that the University will recommend putting these off until next June, ie re-doing the whole year. Amazingly, this was something I had not even considered, and it came as a little bit of shock. I know it's the sensible and logical thing to do, but I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. I think that the University will get in touch with me with their recommendations and possibly seeing it written down in black and white will have a different effect (I just hope it's a better rather than a worse one).
On top of that source of tension, I went to see the Doctor on Monday and he has suggested a chage in the medication I'm taking, so this week I have gone 'cold turkey' on the prozac in anticipation of starting on a course of Citalopram. This will hopefully have a more positive effect on me, particularly with regards to the panic attacks which do not seem to have abated. Unfortuneately, he did point out that this will take a while to work and I may well see things worsen before they improve, so it looks as though I have an eventful few months ahead of me.
Well, that's the big events of the last month dealt with; I think I've waffled on enough for today. What I will say before I go is a big thanks to everyone for my Birthday cards/presents and good wishes, they were all much appreciated.
Going off now to drink tea and mope about; Bis Bald.
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