The last few weeks have not been great...

... and hence the lack of posting - I haven't even had a Word of the Week, let alone a chance to blog about it. Today has also been a bad day, I did almost no work, and the stuff I tried I got wrong.

The worst thing is that yesterday was great, and the weekend coming should be too. I spent the afternoon with friends from church yesterday - lovelier people you couldn't hope to meet - and on Friday one of my all time truest friends is (hopefully) coming to stay for a few days. So, all told, I should be in a good cycle, not a bad one. Unfortunately, if my mental state were that rational then I guess I wouldn't have all the issues that I seem to.

Just in case you were wondering, dear reader (although I doubt you were), here is a rough draft of what it's like to be me today. Caveat - This is only reflective of now, and is not a comprehensive, or even proof-read exposition of myself.

Life is that thing which you and I

Experience before we die.

A cacophony of feeling and thought,

The noise of any place you sit and wait.

To some of us,

THE single thought is thus:

When everything is said and done,

Death comes far too late.

Now They're Famous:

It's pretty cheesy and poorly edited, but here is a Promotional Short for the band Playing in Circles. The song featured is a cut-down version of one of their songs Our Life on CCTV which seemed vaguely appropriate. It's almost completely unauthorised by the band, but I think people should listen to them - I don't know if this will help or hinder that cause, but it's worth a try.

… of the Week (#15):

This week – Phrase of the Week (#2):

So I thought it would be nice, for a change, to look at the origin of another well known, if somewhat socially inurned, phrase.

Pig’s Ear

To make a pig’s ear of something is to make such a mess of a project that the result is considered useless. The phrase dates back to the Middle Ages when, if a craftsman – or more often the apprentice – was to make something so badly that it could not be used, it was called a pig’s ear. During this period in British history, it was considered that the only part of a pig which was completely inedible and unusable in any way was the ear.

… of the Week (#14):

This week – Word of the Week (#13):

 

esculent

n. A thing, especially a vegetable, fit to be eaten;

adj. Fit to be eaten; edible.

Losing the game:

Sometimes I think I'm just a pawn,

In that game you play with other people's lives.

You set up challenges throughout the day -

Knowing full well they can't be done.

Do you laugh, I wonder, as you watch us flounder?

Is it some sadistic pleasure you draw from our efforts,

Or is it just cold academia that drives your study?

Even as the night draws in and the game is at a lull,

Some other force, (or is it you?)

Denies me the rest I’m sure I'm due

And so, exhausted, it all begins again.

This viscous cycle spiralling down.

Until,

I fear,

The darkness will out.

I’m having a bad few weeks. My grades are getting worse instead of better; I feel less and less inclined to participate in daily domestic duties – from getting out of bed onwards (inclusive of all those little things which most people do instinctively everyday and which I used to be quite particular about); my laptop is increasing the speed of its descent into electronic senility and the result of my psychiatric evaluation is that in view of the severity, range and longevity of my many issues, the best course of action seems to be longer-term, more intensive therapy rather than guided self-help. There is, of course a waiting list for this type of therapy (aimed in part at helping those sorts of people who have self-harmed or felt suicidal tendencies…), so I have no idea when that will start, but I hope that it starts soon and is effective, because to be honest I’m starting to get a wee bit desperate.

Apart from anything else, I’m dying for one good night’s sleep, although if I woke up in the morning to find I wasn’t still utterly exhausted, I’d probably have a heart attack.

It’s had a big effect on my work: A lot of the time I’m like some sort of confused, sleep-deprived, geriatric zombie suffering from senile decay and when I’m not, I’m being overly hyper to try and compensate – both scenarios leading to general bad health and I’m left wondering how the group I’m working with can possibly make sense of anything I’m saying. On the subject of which – apologies if this is in appalling English, I will probably retract this post at some point in the future.

(Sorry for the shitty quality of the poem – it’s a first draft which I dashed off about 6 minutes ago purely to head this post… may or may not polish it off at a later date)