Five Years; Five Pro-points

A week tomorrow I leave Bristol and return to Hounslow (anyone with whom I share correspondence, please don't send me any more Brizzle mail). This city has been my home for nearly 5 years now, and I don't mind saying that I really don't want to go.

5 years. How is it that in one breath I can feel that my degree has taken a lifetime, and in the next I'm wondering where the time went? It has been suggested to me, more than once, that me taking a degree was a "waste of time", and until I get a job I can't really judge one way or the other, but, although it has been a momentous struggle, it would be a lie to say that there aren't some things from the last half-decade which I can already recognise as positives. In the interests of balance - as they say on the BBC - it seems only fair to share some of the good things in requital for the seemingly endless stream of negativity so far published here.

Five Years; Five Points in their Favour

1. Living Solo:
   Okay, so I didn't adjust too well to all the changes to my life which I encountered on first moving to Bristol, but having my own place was a great boon to me. A place of order, where I could lay my hands on whatever I needed, as soon as I needed it; a place where I lock myself away and hide when I was at my worst; a place where I could go and not have to talk to anyone or be obliged to make conversation; a place where I could shout at the television and not disturb anyone but myself...
2. Family:
   I have a reasonable number of relatives in the West Country, but over the years, for one reason or another, we had lost touch a little. When I came to Bristol to study I was able to reconnect with them, and they were as great as I remembered from my childhood. My aunt and uncle (to say nothing of the dog) saved me in a not insignificant way, and were brilliant and understanding company, both when I was really sick and when I improved. My two cousins, whom I pretty much idolised when I was growing up - I think they came second only to my brother as my role models - have become "grown-ups" since I was last in any real contact with them, with partners and mortgages and the like, but they're tech-savvy, drink friendly, geek grown-ups, who are cool to spend time with and gave me some very sound advice during my time here.
3. Unintended Friendships:
   I have to say, if you'd asked me 5 years ago to predict this list, I would definitely not have put friendship. I have never had, or felt the need for, many friends as they don't really seem to me to be necessary, but over the years I have encountered some people who just seem to fall into that category. At Uni and through church I have met people who have had a real impact on my life, and the starts of pretty much all of these friendships have had very little to do with me.
   Take my Best friend, Maddy, for instance. Now, Maddy is a genius of the first degree (literally, she actually got a 1st), who has a life, a good degree, a black belt in Kempo and now a good job, and yet on the first day of the first year of lectures, she met me and seemed to decide that I would make a good sidekick. For a seemingly well-balanced person, this has always struck me as a bit odd, and I can't for the life of me work out what she gets out of the relationship, but I think it's been good for me in a number of respects.
4. Rekindled Hobbies:
   I think that I always quite enjoyed photography, helped, of course, by the fact that my father was a photographer, but it was just one of those things that one did on holiday. I've also always had a bit of a thing for the countryside and for good architecture, and Bristol has both in abundance. So what would be more natural than to take some shots? It was at this point that I discovered I really enjoyed photography, and when my uncle gave me his old film Canon, I found I could have some real fun. I have no pretensions to creativity (my brother got all the family "artiness"), so my shots are neither imaginative nor particularly pleasing aesthetically, but they're fun to take, and I have, in the past, tried to get some inspiration from sites such as ephotozine and flickr.
5. An Interesting Diagnosis:
   At the end of last year I was diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome (AS), a condition on the autism spectrum. It may seem strange to list this as a positive, but this is a life-long condition which is now recognised and may explain quite a lot for me. I don't know for sure what difference knowing I have AS will make in my life, although there is a chance I will be able to get some more support with certain aspects of it, but it does seem to shed light on some things both from my past and my present (certainly my mother thinks so), and it is at least a piece of knowledge for my internal files.

Life, The Universe and Everything (Well, Google, but that's close, right?)

Life,

Apparently I have been wandering around since New Year with 'flu. It seems to have gone now: exchange program with the common cold. My blood test also showed virtually no vitamin D or folate registering in my system at all. This is considered a bad thing, thus, more pills, and food.

Now, I have been trying for a couple of months to eat everyday, but I'm not a fan. It's like the effort it takes to eat outweighs the energy I receive. This standard of diminishing returns feels pointless, as does the time it all takes. However, it seems imperative to keep up the whole eating lark for the time-being, so I hope I adjust soon.

The Univers(ity)

The end of my time in Bristol is approaching at what feels like an accelerated rate. I have roughly updated my Uni blog with what's happening, but it hard to do since I haven't been with it for a while now. Unfortunately, this not only impedes my ability to discuss work, it also disrupts the work itself. Therefore, I have made the decision (probably a few weeks late) to take a couple of days off in an attempt to let both my body and mind recuperate a little so that I am in a somewhat better state to complete the necessary work in the 5 weeks leading to the Easter break at which point I can refocus on the last stretch to my finals. I hate taking time off, but I am only missing 2 lectures and I think missing 2 and understanding the remaining 18 is preferable to recording 100% attendance and 0% competency.

And Google

Last week I had my final official session with my Google mentor. I had't intended to take part in the mentor programme when first I was offered it for a number of reasons, for example:

• It simply didn't feel very fair - I have not had the best education when it comes to programming: we weren't taught in school, my C lecturer was useless, my Java/Haskell lecturer was out-of-date and clearly apathetic about the whole thing, and I taught myself C++. Clearly, this would make improving my coding skills a mammoth task.
• Inter-personal relations are not my strong suit - I hate being rude, but I have problems understanding generic social boundaries and have to adapt to each individual's as I get to know them (not always a quick process), after which there is always still a chance that I'll say something insulting without even knowing it.
• I was sure I'd be useless - I spend most of my time exhausted, and when I'm not I need to be working on Uni stuff, so finding time to do anything outside the sessions was likely to be impossible.

However, I was told to do it and I think I'm glad I did. I don't know what experience the other students on the programme had, but I would hazard the opinion that I got the best one. I've always had a lot of respect and sympathy for anyone who has had to be my teacher, but for my Google mentor I think it must have been especially hard. How do you work with someone who basically doesn't know anything, who never has any time to reinforce the information you've passed on, and is mentally broken? Well, I still don't know, but he managed it - and stayed cheery throughout as well! Here are just two of the non-programming-specific things that he taught me:

• When faced with a problem, try and break it up into little chunks, or sub-problems: Small problems are generally more easily solved (and/or compared to other problems whose solution you could recycle).
• Never ignore your first idea: Writing it down may help you see where the main issues are, or suggest new ways to break the problem down. It also "gets the ball rolling" which is always a good thing.

Ok, New Plan...

I don't want to go back on anti-depressants again.

The problem is that it's looking increasingly likely that I will soon be in a position where I essentially have no choice. (I know, we always have a choice, but external pressure is a bigger thing than you'd think, as is the shadow of suicide, hence the "essentially" modifier.) I want to stave this off for as long as I can. Luckily, my doctor is almost impossible to get an appointment with, so that helps.

If I want to get anything done I'm going to need to reimpose some semblance of structure into life. I am not functioning at anything even approaching optimal, in fact there seems to be far less than 50% operational efficiency, and I know that lack of structure and routine clouds my mind. Therefore, reinstating this would seem to be a logical thing to prioritise. If my hypothesis is correct, it should at least mitigate, to some extent, the debilitation I currently seem to be experiencing. So, not so much new plan as reinvented old one.

A theoretically public forum may be expected to produce a sense of obligation to maintain standards set, and thus I have chosen this blog as one of the starting points for this regime shift. I will attempt, in particular, to begin using a Word of the Week type premise again, in order to have something in my new routine which is not work related but may be subjected to analysis and is a compatible activity with the need for timetabling.

Any other suggestions, besides "pull yourself together" (or equivalent), would be gratefully received and taken into consideration.

The Voices

My schedule has my final "Work" period of the day down as 1900-2100, but having been a bit under the weather lately (I caught a couple of the "start-of-term" bugs that're always flying around academia at this time of year), I have let myself stop at 2000 instead, with a few more breaks during the day as well. Hopefully as term progresses and my health improves, I will gradually increase the number of working hours again - I see the coursework decreeing a few "all-nighters" in the (not so distant) future too... If you want to know the sort of thing my coursework entails, I have a blog chronicling my final year which, although currently quite sparse, will hopefully, during the year, shed some light on what is apparently quite an obscure discipline to a lot of people.

In the meantime, here is a poem I wrote about 10 minutes ago - it's a bit "meta" since this was written to try and quell some of the noise to which it refers:

It's noisy in my head,
Like a telly on the blink.
But the noise is more than static -
There are madmen in my attic.

How can I make them see,
That these half-formed words and sounds
Just flood my brain and knock me down -
It only takes an inch to drown?

I hope they mean no harm,
But their presence all the same
Really does me no good at all -
True thoughts displaced by inane drawl.

Here We Go Again Then

Who would have thought it - I made it to the start of my Master's year? When I was growing up, particularly in my teenage years, one of the things that I considered to be an inevitability in my future would be the acquisition of a degree. The astonishing effort to get this far was not something that I remember featuring in this prophecy, and the exhaustion which it has generated was more than a little surprising and deflating. I am thus looking forward to my final year with mixed feelings. In principle, University has been fantastic, the majority of my units over the last few years have been things that, had I been in better health, would have been of great interest to me, and so I should be tremendously excited... There is, however, also the increased sense of trepidation which has been steadily growing since I was told that I had passed last year's exams, and is in fact only the latest, almost seamlessly transferred, incarnation of fear which has engulfed me for a number of years. Basically, my anxiety seems to have more lives than the Master - every time I think it's dead, it glows a little and returns in a newly regenerated form of madness.

This time next week I will have had my first day at Uni. I say day, but I think that it will be one lecture only on Monday. In fact, before Christmas I believe I have an average of 8.6 contact hours a week. Don't be fooled into thinking that this is one of those degrees where you have a couple of lectures a week and then spend the rest of the time drinking and sleeping - I will study 8 units and write a thesis (with accompanying website and poster design) in the course of this academic year, and I can quite easily envisage putting in a lot of 60 hour weeks before I am through. If anybody is reading this and happens to be interested in the work I do, I plan to maintain an online chronicle of what a final year in Engineering Mathematics entails, hopefully at a level accessible even to the sciencephobic.

The hope is that this year will progress in a smoother fashion than those preceding it, but as I am not renowned for my optimism, I am not going to lay odds on it. As usual - and based on everyone insisting that it's the healthy thing to do - I will attempt, during term-time, to assign more recreational activities to my schedule, which probably means I will try and reinstate my Word of the Week hobby, and perhaps begin writing and taking photos again. The likelihood of renewed panic seems to be quite high, and as this site has been designed as a venting place, I imagine numerous dark and/or inane ramblings will appear here in the near future.

Revision 2011

It’s that time of year again – May/June is the bane of most students’ lives.

I have 7 exams this year, 2 of which I sat last week: Introduction to Artificial Intelligence, and Continuum Mathematics. The first exam was bearable, the second much less so. Luckily, I had some friends from church who live round the corner from the venue and very kindly invited me for dinner. This gave me a chance to calm down and have a bit of time completely away from work, refreshing me for the revision to begin again on Saturday.

This Tuesday will see me sit exam number 3 – Optimisation Theory and Applications. Really, I should be revising for that now, but the progress seems to be going well enough that I have decided to call today my ‘day of rest’ to attempt to shake this headache in time for a blitz day tomorrow. To be honest, the likelihood is that I will actually return to work later this evening, but for now I’m just focusing on feeling better and not feeling guilty.

If anybody reading this is also going through exams at the minute or in the near future, I wish you all the best.

Quick Competition:
You may just be able to see in the photo that my pen is very kindly being held by a little man. This is my mascot, Dave the Spaceman, and his name has been carefully chosen for two specific reasons – if you can tell me what they both are, there may be a prize. It may possibly something as amazing as the smug feeling that comes from being right – like when you shout at the telly! Or perhaps something more tangible, like chocolate or something…

(More pictures of Dave ‘helping’ with my revision may well follow on Picasa, but for now, if you’re itching for more, you can check out my Facebook album ‘Revision 2011’)

‘Title’ seems to be the hardest phrase…

Howdy folks, it’s been a while.

I won’t bother to explain away my absence, but I can explain my re-emergence: I have a new schedule in place which is aimed at helping me to work more effectively. How does this affect my blogging? Well, part of this attempt to improve the quality of my work involves creating the appropriate ratio between work and breaks – 45 minutes working followed by a 15 minute break, as opposed to spending the whole hour ‘half working’, as well as regular, longer breaks.

As such, I now have specified periods in which to do ‘nothing’. Unfortunately, I don’t like feeling that any time is being completely unproductive, so I plan to use those times to revisit some of my old hobbies. These include things like origami and writing, and the blog seems like a useful place to chronicle the success (or otherwise) of this new schedule – somewhere that I could keep a clear chronology of my own progress, and where other readers could possibly also keep a check and perhaps give me some advice/suggestions to keep it going.

As this explanation has been quite long-winded, I won’t include any additional ramblings, but hopefully I’ll post something equally inane, if somewhat less topical, soon.

Trawling through old material...

... because work and life were getting too much.

I write a lot of random (and quite weird) stuff. Currently I'm writing an exposition about why you shouldn't pretend to be an expert on things which you really don't understand, but that will probably be a bit heavy-going, so before that I thought I'd give you something a little less moody.

This is an introduction to a piece of fiction which I have planned and may or may not write (I have numerous plans for different stories in various stages of development)... It's not very good, but it's certainly not as unpleasant as the essay that's on the go at the minute.

I'd value people's opinions on this as I don't normally share prose (in fact, it's fairly rare for it not to be burned upon completion).

Story Beginnings...

(This links to a Google Docs page, please follow it and take a look)

The last few weeks have not been great...

... and hence the lack of posting - I haven't even had a Word of the Week, let alone a chance to blog about it. Today has also been a bad day, I did almost no work, and the stuff I tried I got wrong.

The worst thing is that yesterday was great, and the weekend coming should be too. I spent the afternoon with friends from church yesterday - lovelier people you couldn't hope to meet - and on Friday one of my all time truest friends is (hopefully) coming to stay for a few days. So, all told, I should be in a good cycle, not a bad one. Unfortunately, if my mental state were that rational then I guess I wouldn't have all the issues that I seem to.

Just in case you were wondering, dear reader (although I doubt you were), here is a rough draft of what it's like to be me today. Caveat - This is only reflective of now, and is not a comprehensive, or even proof-read exposition of myself.

Life is that thing which you and I

Experience before we die.

A cacophony of feeling and thought,

The noise of any place you sit and wait.

To some of us,

THE single thought is thus:

When everything is said and done,

Death comes far too late.

Losing the game:

Sometimes I think I'm just a pawn,

In that game you play with other people's lives.

You set up challenges throughout the day -

Knowing full well they can't be done.

Do you laugh, I wonder, as you watch us flounder?

Is it some sadistic pleasure you draw from our efforts,

Or is it just cold academia that drives your study?

Even as the night draws in and the game is at a lull,

Some other force, (or is it you?)

Denies me the rest I’m sure I'm due

And so, exhausted, it all begins again.

This viscous cycle spiralling down.

Until,

I fear,

The darkness will out.

I’m having a bad few weeks. My grades are getting worse instead of better; I feel less and less inclined to participate in daily domestic duties – from getting out of bed onwards (inclusive of all those little things which most people do instinctively everyday and which I used to be quite particular about); my laptop is increasing the speed of its descent into electronic senility and the result of my psychiatric evaluation is that in view of the severity, range and longevity of my many issues, the best course of action seems to be longer-term, more intensive therapy rather than guided self-help. There is, of course a waiting list for this type of therapy (aimed in part at helping those sorts of people who have self-harmed or felt suicidal tendencies…), so I have no idea when that will start, but I hope that it starts soon and is effective, because to be honest I’m starting to get a wee bit desperate.

Apart from anything else, I’m dying for one good night’s sleep, although if I woke up in the morning to find I wasn’t still utterly exhausted, I’d probably have a heart attack.

It’s had a big effect on my work: A lot of the time I’m like some sort of confused, sleep-deprived, geriatric zombie suffering from senile decay and when I’m not, I’m being overly hyper to try and compensate – both scenarios leading to general bad health and I’m left wondering how the group I’m working with can possibly make sense of anything I’m saying. On the subject of which – apologies if this is in appalling English, I will probably retract this post at some point in the future.

(Sorry for the shitty quality of the poem – it’s a first draft which I dashed off about 6 minutes ago purely to head this post… may or may not polish it off at a later date)

… of the Week (#13):

This week – Word of the Week (#12):

soss

v. To fit lazily on a chair; to fall at once into a chair.

If anybody’s reading, sorry for the break in posts, I’ve not had the best of times lately. I am hoping that I’m back on track now, although my coursework levels are set to soar again tomorrow, so don’t hold it against me if I’m not quite able to spring back into positivity (never really my strong suit anyway if I’m honest).

New Term, New Me?

Bristol University starts teaching again on Monday. It was touch and go, but I made it back - and am still on track for a Masters too. Although my overall year average wasn't amazing, I am taking comfort in the fact that I managed a 2:1 or greater in nearly half of the modules. I really hope to build on that this year, and to prove, to myself and some other people, that I can do this.

There are a bunch of you out there who really helped last year, supporting me both morally and, in some cases, practically (Thank you especially to JB and Harry on the ComSci front). I know that a few of the people that helped probably wish that they hadn't as I wasn't exactly a picture of confidence, and I am aware that this annoyed some folk. However, I am extremely grateful to all of you, and I really hope that, having got this far, I can push through to the end and earn the good will that you've been kind enough to send my way.

I hope that you like the word of the week slot, and I aim to share some more of the quirkier, more positive aspects of me in the future.

Breaking Radio Silence

I will be posting again soon. I have a poem and some other stuff to share with people: some of it is a bit raw though, and I'm bogged down with revision/coursework at the minute, so watch this space - but not with bated breath because you might go blue...

Panic

I'm having a panic attack, and the only way to try and keep it vaguely under control is to be writing something like this.

I would be doing coursework, but just looking at that seems to make it worse: I can feel my head burning as though someone had just poured a mixture of boiling oil and burning tar into every crevice in my brain and watched as it seeped it's way through all my synapses and seared away any pretence I had to intelligence.

So instead I'm doing what I started this blog for - using it to stave off the wave of hysteria by writing a post and letting my obsession for decent grammar and content flow and take over my head. Unfortunately, when I'm in a state like this, what my mind thinks is good content and grammar is different to what I would normally consider checks those boxes. So apologies to anyone reading this who is wondering why it doesn't seem to make much sense.

This is one of the worst panic attacks I've had in ages, and it is making me feel very ill indeed. I went to bed ridiculously early last night because I thought that if I could get to sleep it might not come. I didn't get to sleep. It did come, and it has lingered on into this morning. You don't want to know how long this post is taking to write, it's quite hard to type when you're shaking harder than the last Pope.

I've been trying to think of a way to describe the way that I'm feeling at the minute, but I can't get the words out. They've been taken in the flood which washed away my coherent thoughts of work and calm and forced itself out of my system in tears and sweat and phlegm and mucus.

This has not been a good first week of my countdown, and I am feeling more and more disillusioned with everything. I still wake up every morning and am still around to pray it might be otherwise every evening. I had hoped that this might not be the case and the the decision would have been taken out of my hands, but it was quite a vain hope I suppose.

Deadline

I am giving myself 5 weeks, starting Monday 18th Jan, to sort stuff out, particularly my grades. If nothing improves, I plan to quit Uni and end this chapter of a somewhat unfulfilled and unsatisfactory life.

I really don't want to do this, but it is important to be realistic; I have found that looking back, as pragmatically as possible, over the last two years, and assessing the pros and cons of remaining a student, the negative feelings and outcomes of my time at Uni are outweighing the positive ones. This is particularly true of the last 6 weeks, and I feel that setting out a deadline of 5 weeks is a sensible period of time in which to try and straighten things out before making any sort of decision.

I should point out that this is not one of the negative cycles that I find myself in on a semi-regular basis, and I am in fact being as objective as possible about this. I intend to keep some sort of record of how each day passes so that when it comes to making the decision I will have a decently sized continuous data set to consider, as well as the general view of things up to the start of this period.

The Clock's ticking, I hope very much that things will be better by the end of February.

End of the Line.

I have tried being a good friend and relative, I've tried being sociable, I've tried to work hard enough to earn my place at this University and in people's company, but I have failed, and now have nothing else to give.

I don't want to play this game any more, or keep trying to stay afloat in the rapids of my life. The failures simply return again and again in rushing tides, causing more trouble or politely hidden exasperation like rocks to smash my head against: and I do exactly the same thing again later in the hope of rectifying earlier problems, though I know it won't. It becomes a compulsive vicious circle, a whirlpool which continues to make things progressively worse, but which I can't get out of.

There are plenty platitudes and 'reassurances': "But we love you" and "Well I'm still your friend" etc. made all the worse by the add-ons at the end where people explain that this is actually momentous because "We don't hang around with just anyone", or "I'm the sort of person that would definitely tell you to get lost if I didn't want you around". What nobody seems to realise that it is a natual human phenomenon for a naturally decent person to be charitable towards someone who wouldn't have a hope in hell of finding anyone who actually liked them. The chance to be magnanimous is something that a person's subconscious jumps at, giving them a feeling of righteousness and nobility, and let's face it, most people like to feel good about themselves don't they? I get that people don't realise that they're doing this, but if they sat down and really thought about it, it would become clear that a friendship with someone like me (whose main character traits are irresponsibility, failure and untrustworthiness), is totally inexplicable and a substantial waste of time

My least favourite platitude, however, has to be: "Just do your best". This is, in my opinion, one the most abhorrent phrases ever. Most people when it comes to exams etc. tend to try their best, but the thing is that their best at that particular time may not actually be their personal best, and may in fact be rubbish. I've spent my whole life being encouraged to do my best; not helped of course by the apparent expectation that my best will be pretty good, and have been working up to University, which now appears to have bested me.

I have been trying my best, and my best has just run out of steam, I have no more best to give, no more effort or energy to be expended on anything. As far as I can see, my life finished the day that I got my A-level results, that's what my life had been working up to, and that's where it stopped. That was hard enough towards the end, and now, I'm done, empty, finished. Other people's lives extended beyond work, and they developed other skills to help them deal with the aftermath of school, but I didn't. This leads me to conclude that I didn't need any other skills, as I wasn't designed to be going any further.

I shouldn't be here.

I will be making a decision about my future in the next couple of days, any job/CV writing ideas would be gratefully received.

Do I know you from somewhere?

Wow, it's been a while.

Just a quickie to thank everyone for their support with my exams, exam results and house-hunting. This time next week I will be back in Brizzle, in my band new flat (pictures and description in due course). If you are for any sad reason a regular checker of this site, here is a list of what I expect/hope to be in the blog this new academic year:

Hopes- General updates re. (hopefully better) health and state of mind;
Pictures of my new flat, and hopefully from some outings that I would like to undertake this year;
Some more poetry and prose separate from my normal chronicled stuff and exclusive to the web;
Possibly some book reviews as I aim to set aside more time for recreation which will cheifly involve reading.

Other possible inclusions-
More blogs from my darker moments (this is my place of venting to avoid panic attacks);
Updates from the doctors;
General rants re. my health and my course.

So, some I hope some good will come of this blog as well as all the bad, but if you are reading this in a few months time and haven't seen any of the good stuff, I apologise, but you all know by now what I'm like, and as much as I would like something to happen, it's by no means guaranteed.

Anyhow, take care for now folks, tchuss

Who says Miracles never happen?

Okay, don't ask me how I did it, but somehow I managed to pass my first year retake, and almost respectably too. This means that at the end of September I will actually be going back to start what will be my 3rd year in Bristol, and my 2nd year of the course. I can't say enough how grateful I am to the folks who were, and indeed still are, supporting me, you all rock. Hopefully, with the plans I mean to implement over the Summer, I will be better placed to work and repay the belief that everyone seems to have in me.

I hope this holiday to consolidate the experience/knowledge that I have, apparently purely by osmosis, gained over the last year, and also to do some advance reading on next year's material, including an early look into the two new programming languages that I will be studying. This and the new daily schedule/routine that I am going to be settling in to over the next couple of months should mean that I can once again take on the role of the diligent student.

Further plans, which may, or may not, come to fruition, involve picking up some old hobbies, including some model making; and restarting the writing (poetry and prose) that I have been sadly neglecting lately, I'm out of practice, so apologies for the poor quality of this post. If I manage anything that seems okay, I will contemplate posting on here, maybe it will make up for the depressing rants that have been taking up all the space lately...

So, thanks again to everyone, and I really do hope that I will be able to make you all proud over the coming months/years.

WARNING: Another miserable rant coming up

When I was a child, I believed that I was a moderately intelligent, relatively hard-working person, and that when I grew up I could pretty much be whatever I wanted to be. It turns out I was being supremely and unjustifiably arrogant, and for starters I feel I should apologise to the people I was at school with for all the times I was inexcusably patronising to you.

I don't know if any of you know what it's like to spend years labouring under a misaprehension, but if you do, you will appreciate that when the truth hits you, it hits hard and is a fairly devasting blow.

These last few years have been eye-opening to me, and have shown the true extent (or more precisely the lack thereof) of my mental powers. My A-levels and first year of University were a disaster, and I think this marked the beginning of the end of my academic career. I have been reluctant to accept this, as I have always felt that academia was my purpose in life: my school work and the absorbtion of new knowledge were, to me, the most important things in the world. However, now, as I reach the conclusion of the first week of exams, I am forced to the recognition that I am actually not as good at education as I have been thinking all my life.

Last year I faced my first major failure, and this year saw me retake 6 of the 8 first-year EngMath units. I really thought I'd done enough this year, I thought my work-rate had picked up again, and that I had a chance. Unfortunately, when it came to revision-time and I started going over my notes & doing past papers, I discovered that I couldn't answer any questions. I have worked myself into exhaustion over the last few months, and now it seems that all of that meant absolutely nothing. In these exams, the pass rate is a measly 40%, and yet out of the 5 exams I have taken this week, I found, by the end of 2 of them, I had not written enough that even had everything been correct (which I know is not the case), I cannot possibly have passed them.

This seemed to me pretty conclusive as evidence that I shan't be continuing my studies much longer, and I don't mind admitting that this realisation was the most shattering of my life. I cannot imagine doing anything other than study, and although I knew I would, at some point, have to venture beyond into the world of work, I never, ever, imagined that it would come so soon, nor that my time at University would be such a catastrophic failure leading to my incredibly low employability (having no practical experience or decent qualifications).

Obviously, as my family keeps telling me, I don't actually know until the results come out on 19th June, but I'm afraid I don't think I'll be in Bristol much longer. While I'm fairly certain no one will bother reading this far down this post or care what happens, I will probably still post my results on here as and when I know them, but until then, if anybody can think of any jobs going that an unexperienced, unqualified young person with mental health problems could do, please let me know.

Explanation

My brother asked me the other day why I hadn't done a blog post in so long.

The short answer is I've had nothing to say.

The longer answer is that I've felt like shit and had nothing to say.

Sorry.