Update

Man, things have been hectic lately.

I've never been scared of exams in my life, and yet this year I couldn't stem the panic. I felt like I was having constant heart-attacks or something of the sort: not at all pleasant. The results come out tomorrow, and it's a fairly foregone conclusion that I have failed them all, even taking into account the 'mitigating circumstances'. This of course means retakes, but what I learned yesterday was that if it is as bad as I think, it's likely that the University will recommend putting these off until next June, ie re-doing the whole year. Amazingly, this was something I had not even considered, and it came as a little bit of shock. I know it's the sensible and logical thing to do, but I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. I think that the University will get in touch with me with their recommendations and possibly seeing it written down in black and white will have a different effect (I just hope it's a better rather than a worse one).

On top of that source of tension, I went to see the Doctor on Monday and he has suggested a chage in the medication I'm taking, so this week I have gone 'cold turkey' on the prozac in anticipation of starting on a course of Citalopram. This will hopefully have a more positive effect on me, particularly with regards to the panic attacks which do not seem to have abated. Unfortuneately, he did point out that this will take a while to work and I may well see things worsen before they improve, so it looks as though I have an eventful few months ahead of me.

Well, that's the big events of the last month dealt with; I think I've waffled on enough for today. What I will say before I go is a big thanks to everyone for my Birthday cards/presents and good wishes, they were all much appreciated.

Going off now to drink tea and mope about; Bis Bald.

I wish I was dead

'nough said

Exams

Okay, so this is a venting post.

Not five minutes into my first (and theoretically easiest) exam, I started a panic attack. In order to stem the oncoming flow of hysteria, I had to initiate a complete mental shut-down, meaning that although I had the pen in my hand and am pretty sure I made marks on the paper; I have no idea what I wrote or whether any of it was relevant to the exam in question.

So I failed my easy unit. This obviously does not bode well for my other exams which are all going to be harder and which I know very little about. Leading me to spend the afternoon in a very black mood hiding under the duvet.

And it's all my own fault: I've been too unmotivated to do the work and even when I have been doing it, it exhausts me in no time at all (This post has taken me goodness knows how long) and I can't take it in. I hate it.

I know it's my fault, but knowing that isn't changing anything, the part of me that wants to change is just too damn small, and I'm too tired.

I feel so ill. I have to admit that I have spent most of this afternoon desperately planning suicide, but to be honest I feel too ill even for that. I can't say that I have decided not to do it, just that I have decided to put it on the back-burner for now, but it is looking more and more likely to happen as I feel less and less able to cope with this whole life thing (yes I know I'm a coward running away from the consequences of my actions etc. but I never claimed to be anything other than a wimp of the first degree).

So I'm still here, for now, but don't worry, I'm fairly sure I won't be a bother for too much longer.

Failure

Why, oh why did I choose Engineering Mathematics?

I don't think that I have ever been so convinced of failing in my life. And to top it all, today I have already had three severe panic attacks; of the gut-wrenching head-exploding uncontrollable-twitching variety, and I failed three past papers in my easiest unit.

I have now come to the conclusion that failure is inevitable, and so a part of me has completely given up on the basis that 'I'm going to fail, why bother?'

If anybody has any miracle solutions or ideas on how to give myself a kick up the backside before Wednesday, please let me know, because otherwise I am completely bu****ed.

I should've done leisure and tourism or 'golf-course studies' or just slit my throat...

Shhh...

I'm sleeping, er, no, revising. Yeah, that's it, revising (I think I got away with that one).